From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Feb 11 11:37:24 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.15) id LAA12596; Wed, 11 Feb 1998 11:37:24 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 11 Feb 1998 11:37:24 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199802111637.LAA12596@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #983 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 983 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #983 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 11 Feb 1998 11:37:24 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 983 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 978 91 votes 69pxi 7bntl 3bxtf 3eAv7 9kske afrof 6mFi4 4sBf7 afqmi heso8 978 3.2 mean 3.5 3.5 3.5 3.3 3.1 3.2 2.9 2.9 3.3 2.9 --- 983-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > What is fate? How does it differ from fortune or providence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fortune is when something didn't necessarily have to happen, it just } did. Example: "Our company wouldn't have gone under if that %&$#!! } magazine hadn't bad-mouthed us." } } Providence is when something happened by the ministrations of a power } greater than yourself. Example: "God d%&$#!, these Rhode Islanders } drive _slow_." } } So, that leaves fate, which is stuff that just _had_ to happen. } } You owe the Oracle 10% of the profits from the special "White House } Interns" issue of Playboy. --- 983-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey there, Great One. Just a quickie query. Is RU still around? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, Rogaine Ultra was discontinued when Don King lodged a formal } complaint against the company. --- 983-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: >
Oh Oracle, thou who are mightier than the mighty Aphrodite, > whose toe-jam is sweeter than the delicate nectar of the prune, tell > me...
>
> Why is it unsafe to stand in the shower holding a plugged in toaster? >
> > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because, you don't want to your self --- 983-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most solicited, this humble supplicant begs you to answer the > most vexing questions of all: > > All the lonely spammers - where so they all come from? > All the lonely spammers - where do they all belong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant most solicitous, I grow most weary of Oracularities based } on classic songs, British literature, and whatnot. So, to keep things } interesting, I'm going to answer this from the Marilyn Manson } perspective. Pardon me, whist I get into character. } } (Oracle touches Zot staff to his forehead) } *ZOT!!!* } Hrrm.... Pdhhhew. Ptooey. Okay. } } One! two! three! } (Begin cacophony of banging noises, dentist drills, and people } screaming) Nyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! } allthelonelyspammers THEY COME FROM HELL! } allthelonelyspammers THEY BELONG IN HELL! } allthelonelyspammers YOU GO TO HELL! } allthelonelyspammers I'LLSEEYOUINHELLLLLLLLLLLLL! } (Oracle falls flat on his face.) } } I hope that answered your question. } } You owe the Oracle a lucrative recording contract. And some sick } leave. --- 983-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, most wonderful and wise, whose intestines are capable of > digesting anything, > > What happens to the questions and answers that do not end up in the > Oracularities, and therefore remain uh... undigested? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I feed them to the woo ... the woodch ... the gophers of course. } You think I've got guts? They really have guts. } } You owe the Internet Oracle a spoon (I remembered my straw). --- 983-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle who is great and tall, > whose stocks' values never fall- > > My debts pile up and its cash I need, > Wall Street refuses to help with speed. > > If I buy Microsoft I must trust its sire, > yet I fear giving in to the Evil Empire. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Buy Microsoft, and buy a gross } It's competitors will soon be toast } } For US post acting as it will } Gates received mail for the 'other' Bill } } Clinton's secrets are all known } All those oats our Prez. has sown } } Lots of laws will soon be passed } And MS will clean up pretty fast } } So buy your stocks and make a killing } And young girls will become more willing } } Buy yourself a fancy car } Travel the world both near and far } } But sell your shares quite soon, you lug } Only Apple survives, millenium bug. } } You owe The Oracle some futures in PowerPC processors. --- 983-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I was in Belgium for a business trip, a bunch of punks threw pies > at me and TAPED the whole thing. Now there are quicktime and MPEG > files all over the Internet of this travesty! ORRIE! WHAT DO I DO??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle presents: } } TOP TEN WAYS TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL ON BEING HIT IN THE FACE WITH CREAM } PIES: } } 10) Nuke Belgium. (See how many people hit you with cream pies after } that!) } } 9) Claim it was a public-relations stunt instigated by yourself to } show, "Hey, CEO's of powerful, ruthless multinationals are human, too." } } 8) Hire all of Madison Avenue to convince the public that being hit in } the face with a cream pie is enjoyable/wrinkle-reducing/cure for } cancer/fun for the whole family. Go down in history as a trend-setter. } } 7) Found the Society for the Survivors of Cream Pie Attacks. Paint } yourself as the victim. (Frankly, The Oracle foresees this will not } work. But The Oracle also foresees that He will get a few laughs out of } it if you try.) } } 6) Run away and become a clown in the circus. After your fifteenth } peformance and one hundred and twentieth pie in the face, no one will } be downloading those movies anymore. } } 5) Refuse to press charges, claiming "They didn't hit me! They hit my } evil twin brother!" } } 4) Declare that recent events have led you to believe that cream pies } are the "technology of the future", and as such should be carefully } regulated. Submit cream pies to an ISO committee. Gloat as the } committee becomes deadlocked for the next century. } } 3) Buy the Internet out. (Whadyamean, you can't? What kind of } small-time business man are you, anyways, if you can't buy out } something as disorganized as the Internet?) } } 2) Announce that you are launching a competitor product to the } Internet, BetweenWeb, which will not only have more bandwith and higher } access speeds, but quicktime and MPEG files of you being hit in the } face with Acme Exploding Banana Cream Pies. Let it be known that it } will not be compatible with Internet, and that it will be available } "soon." } } And the top way to do damage control: } } 1) Announce that, if the world is not going to treat you with respect, } you are no longer to pussy-foot around with your campaign for world } domination. Declare yourself a sovereign corporate nation. Hire } mercenary armies, and convince the world to switch over to your } products at gun-point. When every person in every nation is dependent } on you for their entire existence, when you have eliminated every trace } of competition, in a live broadcast, announce, "And you know what the } worst part of it is? I LIKE BEING HIT IN THE FACE WITH CREAM PIES! I } JUST CONQUERED YOU FOR THE FUN OF IT! *BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!*" } } You owe the Oracle a screensaver. Maybe a quicktime based one. Or MPEG. } With cream pies. --- 983-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am having a terrible problem with grapefruit. First of all, they > don't treat me well. You, being an Omniscient Oracle, are always aware > of when the grapefruit is aiming to squirt you in the eye, and you have > plenty of time to duck or blink. I am (of course) a hapless > supplicant, and my grapefruit always get me just as I have removed my > eyeglasses. But that's no my real problem. > > I have decided to raise grapefruit. That means I'll have to plant > grapefruit trees. What I want are -seedless- grapefruit. I was > wondering where to get the seeds for seedless grapefruit (seems rather > difficult, doesn't it?), but then the solution hit me in the face! > This morning my breakfast's seedless grapefruit spat a seed into my > eye. Now I have a seedless grapefruit seed. Or do I? How can I know, > without spending years getting this seed to grow to a tree, whether > it's truly going to yield seedless grapefruit? By the way, I'm not > planning on growing my grapefruit here in Minnesota, or even in Sweden > as my grandmother suggested. Instead, I'm going down south, somewhere > beyond Iowa. Maybe even farther than Kansas or Missouri. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, "seedless" fruit are really just the normal varieties. } Certain elves (okay, those who were exiled from the Keebler tree, and } are working in the US without a green card) make *tiny* incisions, } suck the seeds out, and seal it back up with superglue. So your } problem isn't with getting a seed supply, but getting a good supply } of elves. Letting them know that social security numbers are not } required for employment is a good start. } } Oh, and can you really be suprised that grapefruit treat you } that way? Wouldn't you be somewhat irritable if someone was trying } to eat *you*? } } You owe the Oracle a seedless human. --- 983-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most Wise, please tell, is it true > frequency of use dull the sensation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only when done with steel wool. Don't say the Oracle hasn't warned you. } } You owe the Oracle a tube of AstroGlide. --- 983-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Lovely Oracle, whose breath is sweeter than any toothpaste manufacturer > would dare to advertise! Beautiful Oracle, whose complexion is so clear > that the sun sits alone sulking on a Saturday night when it can't get a > date because of its spots! Gorgeous Oracle, whose legs... well, maybe I > won't go there. > > If I lose weight, will my wife have sex with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all depends where you want to lose that weight.