From oracle-request Sun Jun 8 09:21:25 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id JAA01219; Sun, 8 Jun 1997 09:21:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 8 Jun 1997 09:21:25 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199706081421.JAA01219@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #909 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 909 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #909 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 8 Jun 1997 09:21:25 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 909 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 904 122 votes htNm5 iEzm7 buMq7 5dsSm bBAsa 9oFtj 5bLFi cqFz8 AApfa 9lzBk 904 3.0 mean 2.7 2.7 2.9 3.6 2.9 3.2 3.5 3.0 2.4 3.3 --- 909-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, whose inane ramblings on a morning after are more > lucid than the writings of the finest philosopher known to man, please > help this humble supplicant: > > When I put a CD into my CD player, I can hear a symphony, Bruce > Springstien or a myriad of other stuff. How do they clone all these > people and fit them on these tiny discs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's funny you should mention that philosopher. Most philosophers } spent their time wondering if they can get the last article they need } for tenure out of such questions as "How can an omnipotent God be } reconciled with the existance of Evil?" or "How many angels can dance } on the head of a pin?" or "Why was Socrates such an annoying old } bugger?" The reason they're struggling so hard is that they're asking } the wrong questions. For example, how many angels can dance on the } head of a pin is a meaningless question, because angels don't dance on } pins -- they dance on CDs, and what your CD player does is amplify the } music they make so that you can hear it. } } Thus, the answer to the philosophers' question is "About 72 mintues } worth." The answer to your question is "They don't." } } You owe the Oracle a comprehensible translation of Derrida. --- 909-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O well balanced Oracle, in touch with your inner feelings, > > How can I please my inner child? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Eat your toys. --- 909-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle > Thank you for having offered me top 10 newsgroup address, > I am a novice, would you please tell me more about how to subscribe and > unsubscribe these newsgroup via E-mail? I 'd like to know what should I > write in address , Subject, and text region. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Write anything you want in those sections, but be sure to use a black } magic marker with permanent ink (preferably a "Sharpie"). } } You owe the Oracle a monitor you haven't scribbled on. --- 909-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh oracle, most poetic, who bestows wisdom upon the humble supplicant, > but who will roast eternally those who dare the forbidden question > [over flames fed with wood chucked in by the monaxi of perdition] tell > me: > > I saw this poem, is it worthy? or but a zot upon the infrequently > washed face of the earth? > > Woodchuck, woodchuck burning bright > 'Neath the zottage of the night > what infernal hand or eye > formed thy strange assymetri? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In what distant deeps or skies } Burnt the zot in thine eyes? } On what wings dare you aspire? } What question, dare seize the fire? } } And what grovel, & what art, } Could twist the sinews of my heart? } And when my heart began to beat, } What dread hand? & what dread feet? } } What the supplicant? what the priest? } In what furnace was the beast? } What the zot? what dread gasp } Dare its deadly terrors rasp? } } When the oracle was young in years, } And water'd heaven with his tears, } Did he smile at them to see? } He who made woodchuck make thee. } } Supplicant Supplicant! burning bright } In the zottage of my might, } My immortal hand and eye } Dare zot thy fearful symmetry? } } You owe William Blake a sincere apology. --- 909-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wonderous all-knowing all-seeing all-wise Oracle > > To whom the number of stars in the sky is just another > statistic, > > He's single. > > He and I were sharing the office. I took a phone call. > > The line I used after I hung up was "Bummer - tonight's date has > cancelled, and I've already made sure I had nothing else on. Now > what am I going to do on this cold and wet Saturday night." > > He said nothing. > > Is he really that thick, or is he just not interested? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He's just another statistic. He may be single, but he's a cold } fish. When you took that phone call, he was perched on the edge } of his seat because he'd been NAILED THERE. } } He's been dead for two weeks. Really, you gotta work on this } attraction you have to unavailable men. } } You owe the Oracle a stiff drink. Make it a zombie. --- 909-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dreyaldumar The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: zadoc@cs.indiana.edu > From: billg@microsoft.com > Subject: Work commensurate to your ability! > > Zadoc: > > As you may be aware, MicroSoft is planning to expand into the > oracular business, by moving staff from our customer support lines to > provide Answers from our valued customers. > > In the fine tradition of MicroSoft, I am proud to offer you this > chance to become the MS-Oracle. Your duties will include: > > o Answering of MS-Questions; > o Managing a large number of MS-Priests, whose task will be to feed > your brilliance, and improve our service; > o Weilding the Staff of ZOT^H^H^HZappity-Zap. > > Of course, our renumeration package is second to none, and there is > significant opportunity for career advancement within the new > MS-Oracle. (Though I can't think where to---after all, you would be > _the MS-Oracle_.) > > Yours, > > Bill Gates. > ``Linux was invented by foreign terrorists to take money away from > good American companies like MicroSoft.'' And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Gates: } } While I am greatly impressed by your offer, after weighing the pros and } cons of it, I find that I must respectfully decline. So that you may } understand my position, I've provided this list of comparison points: } } THE USENET ORACLE MICROSOFT } ----------------- --------- } * Omnipotent, bad-tempered * Extremely wealthy, bad-tempered } immortal being is head mortal being is head honcho } honcho } } * Located on campus of Indiana U * Located on Microsoft campus } } * Receive scorn of millions for * Receive scorn of millions for } lame one-line answers browser security holes } } * Receive praise of millions for * Receive praise for Windows NT } clever answers like #638-08 after spending millions to bribe } journalists } } * IDIOTS WHO SEND QUESTIONS IN * MSN } ALL CAPS } } * Woodchucks * Windows 95 } } So, as you can see, although the potential benefits are tempting, I } find that the actual work involved would be a good deal more stressful. } In the hopes that you can find a more suitable candidate, I remain, } } Zadoc, } Oracular Assistant, } Indiana University. } } "Microsoft was invented by domestic terrorists. Remember, it's } no longer an import industry." --- 909-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and all seeing oracle................... why didn't Dorothy > take the socks along with the shoes from the wicked witch in the W of > O? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } you obviously don't know how she came by the name "wicked" } } the name came from her wicked smelling feet - which is why she was } wearing socks and slippers together (not a fetching look). } } if you had been within a couple of metres of the witch's feet, you } would understand wholly why the socks were left exactly where they were } } you owe the oracle some noseplugs and a copy of W of O in smellovision --- 909-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Shoot me now! Shoot me now! > > I demand that you shoot me now! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, Daffy, it's rabbit season. } } You owe the Oracle a basketball with a "Wizard" feature --- 909-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dreyaldumar The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and omniscient Oracle, who really does know how many licks it > takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop- > > How well equipped are you for the new millenium? I've been reading > countless horror stories predicting that world finance, communications, > and transportation will be brought to its knees on New Year's Day 2000 > because some morons 30 years ago couldn't foresee the need to express > years in four digits instead of two. > > Are your operations prepared for the year 2000? If not, what do you > suppose would happen if you don't upgrade, and let the Millenium Bug > run its course? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, there is a much more urgent problem. } } When Oracularities Digest #1000 comes out in June 1998, the } repercussions will be felt worldwide. At that moment, the Internet } Oracle will cease to exist as you currently know him. In his place, } the AntiOracle will appear, ready to torment Supplicants for a thousand } thousands of years with such witty retorts as "U 5UCK, U L0053R!!!1!!". } Incarnations will be similarly stricken; the Chinese water torture is } nothing in comparison to a woodchuck question each and every minute of } the day. The Computer Science department at Indiana University } will be consumed in a gigantic fireball, as the Oracle's server } attempts to fit the Oracle's entire wisdom into the void created by } Digest 000. The web pages at pcnet will explode in a more cybernetic } fashion, causing packets to be sent in a worldwide shock wave, } overpowering the backbone and bringing the entire Internet to its } knees. } } I could go on, but there's no time to lose. You owe the Oracle a nice } coffin. I want it made of hand-carved rosewood, with a royal blue } velvet interior, and decorated with rhinestones. You'd better get } started building it now. --- 909-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty sage wise Oracle, > > On registering for a lot of services on the Net I've tried to use > "Ender" as my id, but in almost all cases this was already in use by > another user. > Why is Ender always in use as a user id when I want to use it myself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Drat! He's on to me!