From oracle-request Wed Jul 3 08:18:58 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.56) id IAA19893; Wed, 3 Jul 1996 08:18:58 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 08:18:58 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199607031318.IAA19893@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #842 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 842 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #842 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 08:18:58 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 842 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 837 130 votes JIqb4 jrFrg cvQq9 auMoi DpGi6 tzDl6 iyDqd 96xDH kyxqh 5sToi 837 2.9 mean 2.1 3.0 2.9 3.1 2.4 2.5 2.9 3.8 2.9 3.2 --- 842-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where do babies come from And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, another hapless supplicant with an existentialist question. } } Now, The Great Oracle must first decide upon a suitable } punishment for you for Not Groveling First. } } How about a Nice Big Fat *ZOT* } And .. } Another *ZOT* } And.. } a little eensy teensy weensy Baby **zot** } } You should know where THAT came from... } } Ok, now that introductions have been formally completed, The Great } Oracle believes that babies and child processes in UNIX are essentially } one and the same-they come from the same parent, and they adopt } habits that their parents disapprove of. They change their names, } their addresses, and, of course, the way they dress to reflect options } exactly the opposite of those favored by the parents. } } Also, like child processes in UNIX, once the kid leaves home, he will } invariably try to move back in. This does not always sit too well with } the parents, who have become accustomed to walking about the house } unclothed, leaving the TV on all night, and playing old Pink Floyd } albums on the stereo loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. } } You owe The Great Oracle your first-born child, baby clothes, and } enough money to hire an au-pair for seventeen years. --- 842-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, what can I do in a few minutes at home that will earn > me a billion dollars? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Be very lucky and guess Bill Gates' Swiss bank account number. --- 842-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Magnificent Stupendously Fabulous Fantastic Oracle, > > Guess what!!! I just got my brand new mail-ordered shrunk to size > ZOTgun (humanoid version) and I'm just DYING to try it out. Would you > mind sending me one of your supplicants from your "To Zot" list so I > can test this beauty? > > Your must humble supplicant thanks you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, dear fellow, it is not yet possible to transfer } supplicants via the Internet without serious damage. It's true, it's } no problem for me to reduce a supplicant to a string of 1's and 0's } (in fact, it's rather enjoyable), but reconstituting them correctly } at the other end is still a long way from solution. (Expect to see } this feature in uudecode 25.17, though I'd wait until at least version } 28.25 before using it on anyone you really care about.) } } In the meantime, here are a few suggestions on how to find test } subjects for your ZOTgun. } } 1) Look up contributors to the recent cascades in rec.humor.oracle.d. } } 2) Post to alt.sex.aol, "E-mail me for hundreds of sexy NUDE GIFs". } This should give you thousands of candidates to choose from. } (Give preference to anyone who posts their response, or whose } response consists entirely of "Me, too!".) } } 3) Ask Dr. Kevorkian for volunteers. Even if he has no "clients" } at the moment, I'm sure he'd be happy to help you test it, since, } as you say, you're just DYING to try it out. } } You owe the Oracle a waiting period. --- 842-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much wood would a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker could peck > wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all depends on the hourly wage, lost time accidents occuring during } work time, and the job conditions. } } Sayyyyyy...wait a second. Why does this question seem familiar? --- 842-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people keep posting usenet articles that have a list of five > people you are supposed to send money to? Isn't that the stupidest > idea in the world? If not, then what is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As a matter of fact, it's only the ninth stupidest, as this list shows: } } The Top Ten Stupidest Ideas in the World: } } 10) "Hello, E. F. Hutton? Listen, I want you to invest all my funds in } 8-Track cartridge technology. I'm telling you, it's the music format of } the future!" } } 9) "Say, if I ask a bunch of people to send me money, and then send } that money to someone else, I'll be rich!" } } 8) "Hey guys! Let's develop a piece of software called 'Bob'!" } } 7) "Look at it this way, Mrs. Gifford, those kids need the work. And } think of all the money we'll save. Everybody wins!" } } 6) "Maybe if I light this match, I'll be able to see where that gas } leak is coming from." } } 5) "I believe the public is ready for a vacuum-cleaner-based } haircutting product." } } 4) "How about we all go see that new Pauly Shore movie?" } } 3) "That 'Bob' sure looks like a whiz-bang piece of software. I think } I'll buy it." } } 2) "Hmmm, I think I'll roll up this tobacco that's growing all over the } place, light it on fire, and then suck on it for awhile, despite the } fact that I'll receive no benefit whatsoever." } } 1) "...and I call this new piece of legislation the 'Communications } Decency Act'." } } You owe the Oracle... oh, let's face it, we all really owe Letterman on } this one. --- 842-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh luminous Oracle, whose doormat I am unworthy of chewing: > > I've noticed that whenever I eat Cheetos, I get orange crud all over my > fingers. Can't they do something to fix that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish, foolish supplicant. The "orange crud" IS the Cheetos } product. What you have been eating is the styrofoam packaging it is } shipped in. } } You owe the Oracle a pancake recipe that requires 2 cups of Cheetos. --- 842-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Really Nifty Oracle, I have just gotten a new printer, and it > came with a paper tray that accepts over a dozen sizes of paper. > The sizes are indicated with obscure combinations of letters and > numbers, but the only one I have actually seen is 8 1/2 x 11. In > fact, looking through all my office supply catalogs, the only size > I see is 8 1/2 x 11. What are all these other sizes? Do they really > exist? If so, who uses them, and where can I get some? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That does it. I've had it up to here with those pesky Europeans. First, } the thermometers. Then the yardsticks. Then the liquor bottles. Then } the socket sets. Now, they want to control our paper supply!? Well, I } say, NO MORE! That's where I have to draw the line! I mean, you sure as } hell can't get four sheets of A4 by cutting a piece of 17 x 22! That is } so wasteful it isn't funny. It's time to take action against European } meddling and refuse to buy any more of those newfangled printers! Are } you with me? } } You owe the Oracle a couple of cases of recycled tractor feed 13 x 2 } 7/16 lime green origami paper. --- 842-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What, if any, cultural significance did the word "P-toing!" have to the > early Sumerians? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The word P-toing (discovered by Dr. Farnsworth McNugget in 1809 on an } ancient Sumerian artifact at the Osgood/Elvis dig) was originally } thought to be a reference to a Sumerian diety. Little was known about } this god, although it was widely surmised that P-toing may have been an } incarnation of the Babylonian Ek-spektorate. } } A small group of warriors seem to have been a sort of Templar to this } diety. They were known to the Sumerians as the Neenerneenerwakathoopi, } or (roughly translated) the Knights Who Say Ni. This group vanished } sometime during the Lesser Great Periodontal Era but reappeared shortly } after the Masons were created. Only a small fragment of their ritual } exists today (the bulk of the Masons of the era having donned fez and } driving small, comical vehicles), which contains a clear reference to } the original god: } } icki icki icki icki P-toing zoop boingngngngngngngng } } which McNugget translates roughly as "One of these days, P-toing, } zoop, right in the kisser." Other authorities (such as Professor J. } Smegma Coriolanus) scoffs at this, stating that `boingngngngngngngng' } is clearly a genitive form; for the translation to be correct, it } would require a nominative form. } } Thus does modern archaeology investigate and solve the mystery of a } word that originally referred to flatulence. } } You owe the Oracle some ancient Egyptian Bean-O(tm). --- 842-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wait, wait, I'm a bit confused here. Am I the Oracle and > you the supplicant, or are you the Oracle and I the > supplicant, or... I'm so confused! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm the Oracle, you idiot! Everyone can see that! Look, I'll prove it } to you. Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!!! } } [Enter Zadoc the Priest, shuffling on his knees as custom demands] } } ZADOC: You howled, O Cyberstentorian One? } } ORACLE: Study this supplicant closely. } } [Zadoc the Priest peruses the supplicant all over with a great show of } interest] } } ORACLE: Now study me closely. } } [This time the examination is necessarily less thorough, as due } deference requires Zadoc to keep his eyes averted at all times] } } ORACLE: Seen enough? } } ZADOC: One could never see enough of your majestic visage, Master. } } ORACLE: Slimy little flatterer. Now tell me, Zadoc -- which one of us } two is the Oracle? } } ZADOC [nervously]: Erm... is this a trick question, Master? } } ORACLE: No stalling! Just answer, dammit! } } [Zadoc the Priest realises his Master is setting him some enigmatic } kind of test, and failure to provide a suitably profound response may } damage his chances of advancement within the priesthood. Beads of sweat } appear on his forehead. He has no option but to play for time, hoping } against hope that the Oracle's true meaning will reveal itself to him] } } ZADOC: Er, um... could I ask you both some questions, Master, to fully } establish your identity? } } ORACLE [burying his face in his hands]: Ohh god... I should have known } this was a mistake... } } ZADOC [to supplicant]: What is your girlfriend's name? } } SUPPLICANT: Um... oh, I know! It's whats-her-name. Lisa, that's it. } } ZADOC [to Oracle]: What is your girlfriend's name, Master? } } ORACLE: Emma bloody Thompson! Who do you think, you moron! } } ZADOC: Well, you really *sound* like my Master, Master, but this other } Master here gave the correct answer. } } SUPPLICANT: Hey! You mean I really am the Oracle? } } ZADOC: It's often hard to tell. The Mysteriously Moving One can be } incarnated in the most unlikely guises. I think further questioning } is required. Um, let's see now... How much wood would a woodchuck } chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? } } SUPPLICANT: Gee, I don't know... } } ORACLE: You blasphemous snotmonkey!!! } } >> ZOT << } } SUPPLICANT: Hey, that's right! I can't do that. So *you* must be the } Oracle, and *I'm* the supplicant! It's all clear to me now! } } SMOKING REMAINS OF ZADOC ON THE FLOOR: D-does that mean I pass the } test? --- 842-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Wonderous Oracle please answer this question? > > Will Joe Montana come back to football as a player? If not, why not? > > ___________________________________________________________________ > > I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors, > But I think that God has a sick sense of humor, > And when I die I expect to find him laughing.... > > Depeche Mode from the Song "Blasphemous Rumors" > ___________________________________________________________________ > ___________________________________________________________________ > > http://www.somehost.com/usr/m.prozac.htm "I came. I saw, I took a > prozac" > > Why Sophia Petrillo? When I am old I shall wear purple! And be just > like Sophia from the Golden Girls! "Picture this....I love you > pussycat". > ___________________________________________________________________ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey! I recognise that sig! It was tacked onto the back of a really } crappy answer I got to one of *my* questions last week. } } Boy, oh boy, oh boy! There really must be an Oracle guiding our } destinies that he allows a twist of fate like this. The incarnation's } revenge! Now you're really gonna know what unfunny is, sonny! } } Lessee now... } } Q: Who was that lady I saw Joe Montana with last night? } A: That was no lady, that was his manager. } } Nah, there's a certain metahumor in that (very popular with the } priests, metahumor is. Heaven forfend, the last thing we want is this } getting in the digests). I know, let's forget about Joe Montana } altogether (I've never heard of him anyway, being the foreign gent I } am). Depeche Mode is French, and you mention cats, so here's a } bilingual cat joke so bad not even Zadoc could be amused: } } There's these two cats, see, one English and one French. The English } cat's called One-Two-Three, and the French cat's called Un-Deux-Troi. } Well, these two cats decide to have a race, see, and the first one to } swim across the English Channel's the winner. So which one won? Hah! } Don't know, do you? The English cat, of course! Because Un-Deux-Troi } cat sank! } } HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahaha... } } No, that's no good - it made me laugh, and I have an extremely } sophisticated sense of humor. Hmm... there's *got* to be something I } can do that's appallingly bad. Apart from picking my nose and flicking } the boogers at the monitor, I mean (I do that all the time anyway). } Lemme think... } } (Did you know Sophia Petrillo is an anagram of Hip Allotropies? Just } a thought...) } } I got it, I got it! No relevance to anything whatever, that's the } ticket! I once told this joke to my Dad and he laughed, which proves } it's beyond redemption because his sense of humor is worse than } primitive, it's... well, indescribable, really (the sort of jokes he } tells are like: "Whar's Paw, Maw?" "In the barn." "Whasse doin'?" } "Hangin' hisself." "Dincher cut him down?" "Nah, he wurn't dead yet." } Enough to make you feel suicidal yourself, isn't it?) Yep, this'll } definitely do it: } } Q: What should you do if you see a spaceman? } A: Park in it, man! } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as yourself) an invisible sig.