From oracle-request Thu Apr 4 12:14:57 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.50) id MAA20319; Thu, 4 Apr 1996 12:14:57 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 4 Apr 1996 12:14:57 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199604041714.MAA20319@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #826 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 826 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #826 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 4 Apr 1996 12:14:57 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 826 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 821 125 votes ktArd 3iFAr 5nIHa 6uHsi hmEwe 5nJvl 6hJO7 8vyAg guFqc foFwd 821 3.2 mean 2.9 3.5 3.2 3.2 3.0 3.3 3.3 3.2 2.9 3.0 --- 826-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O all seeing, all knowing, all cooking, all eating oracle, whose > tax returns are the very epitome of creative writing, please > tell me... > > Why, if I send something by ship it is called a cargo, and if I > take it myself in a car, it is called a shipment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The words "car" and "ship" are not in fact English words at all } but corruptions from other languages. } } "Cargo" is the Latin "I get someone else to do it", regular first } conjugation (Cargo, Cargat, Cargas, Cargamus, Cargatis, Cargant). } It may be transitive or intransitive. } } Virgil: "Mirabile dictu/omnes cargant." } tr.: "Wonderful to tell/other people to do it." } } "Shipment" on the other hand is a corruption of the Old English } "yshifman" (pl. "yshifmen"), earlier "beshifman", a man who other } people get to do it, a man who takes all the "shif" - a word whose } meaning we have yet to pin down, though it may be something to do } with herrings. } } Chaucer: He wolde neer pay ane to move his dung/ } He was a verray confy yshifman. } tr.: He would never let another flush his toilet, } He was always very pleased to do it himself. } } You owe the Oracle the meaning of "shif". --- 826-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are all my e-mail messages delayed 55 seconds before my > computer finally sends them out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It takes that long to assemble the copy that gets sent } to the National Security Agency. --- 826-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise and prophetic ... > > when will the big one drop? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When will the big one drop? Geesh, you were responsible for knocking } the poor girl up, and you can't even count to nine yourself, and you } have the audacity to call her "The Big One"?? } } My prediction is that she will "drop" on schedule, at approximately } nine months from the date of conception. } } You owe the Oracle a book of names that does not include "Michael". --- 826-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Masterful, Exalted, and Most High Groovy Dude, > > What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a good one for me to hand to my young assistant, Timmy. } Common questions like these are a good practice exercise for him... } ==== } } Um, ok, let's see. } } Vf = Vi + A*T } Vf = 0 (standing still) + (acceleration)*(time) } Vf = (muscle*wing tilt)*(time) } } Hmmm...muscle and wing tilt are dependant on breed. } } Um, Oracle, almighty Sir? } } "Yes, Timmy, what is it?" } } Well, I'm kind of stuck on this equation. I need to know what breed } the swallow is. Is it African or European? } } *ZOT* } ==== } } There's just no way to find good help these days. } } You owe the Oracle a new assistant named Timmy. --- 826-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I receive Info about Germany's economics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go to the "Hole In The Wall" club in Austin, Texas on a Wednesday } night. At 11:30 p.m., go up to the bartendar and put a $20 bill in his } tips jar. Then say "The dog sleeps in Madonna's lap at midnight." The } bartendar will then reply "My cat is very afraid of you" and hand you } an unmarked envelope. Inside you will find the address of a dark house. } Go to this house and knock on the door three times. Pause. Then } knock out the tune to the German National Anthem. After the third } stanza, the door will be opened by a weasly lookin man with a claw and } an eyepatch. He will ask you how you like your potatoes. Tell him } "Covered in gold coins." DO NOT SAY "Covered in coins." IF you say } this, he will proceed to take you to a backroom where you will receive } a VERY personal exam by a large woman named Helga. } } After saying the correct phrase, he will direct you to a room in the } secret basement which will contain books about the history and economy } of Germany. You will then have five hours to memorize any information. } (You will, of course, be forced to remove all clothing before entering } this room to insure complete security.) } } After five hours, the weasly man will open the door and direct you to a } hidden tube. Upon entering this tube, you will slide for about five } minutes and be deposited outside of the state capitol. You can find } your clothes in the red trashcan that is next to the statue of the } fireman. } } You owe the Oracle a complete synopsis of the German economy. --- 826-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, ineptitude plagued Oracle. > > Tell me, will I EVER get a humourous answer to a question > I submit, or am I doomed to forever receive insulting drivel? > > Your deeply disheartened supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well everything's funny to *somebody*. There are people on } the net who think the "insulting drivel" you get is the best } laugh they've had all week. Apparently, one of the Priests } mistakenly thought that you were one of those people. Most } likely because you kept coming back for more. } } Oh, wait a minute. Here's the problem! You didn't do all } the paperwork. All new supplicants are requested to fill in } this form and mail it to oracle-register@cs.indiana.edu before } requesting the Oracle's services. } } --------8<--Cut here------------------------------------------- } } THE INTERNET ORACLE } New Supplicant Registration Form } } Please answer all questions fully. } } SECTION I - PERSONAL INFORMATION } } 1a. Name: _________________________________________________ } } 1b. Nickname: _____________________________________________ } } 1c. True Name: ____________________________________________ } } 1d. Net Persona: __________________________________________ } } 1e. Preferred Name: _______________________________________ } } 2a. E-mail address: _______________________________________ } } 2b. Sysadmin's e-mail address: ____________________________ } } 2b. Employer's e-mail address: ____________________________ } } 2c. Lawyer's e-mail address: ______________________________ } } 3a. Home address: _________________________________________ } } 3b. Home phone: ___________________________________________ } } 3c. Work address: _________________________________________ } } 3d. Work phone: ___________________________________________ } } 3e. Fax: __________________________________________________ } } 3f. Pager: ________________________________________________ } } 4a. Driver's license number: ______________________________ } } 4b. Social Security number: _______________________________ } } 4c. Date of Birth: ________________________________________ } } 4d. Place of Birth: _______________________________________ } } 4e. Birth Certificate number: _____________________________ } (Note: non-human oviparous supplicants may indicate date } and place laid, or date and place of hatching. Indicate } which.) } } PART II - PERSONAL GOALS } } 1. In 25 words or less, describe what you expect to gain } from using the Internet Oracle's services. } } 2. In 50 words or more, extol the praises of the Internet } Oracle. } } PART III - LANGUAGE USE } } Indicate your level of fluency in the following languages. } } Key: } 0 - What's that? } 1 - I know all the dirty words, but that's about all. } 2 - I can read and write slowly, and speak haltingly, } but with a funny accent. } 3 - I am reasonably fluent, but sometimes get caught up } on unfamiliar idioms. } 4 - This is my native language. } 5 - I speak this language better than the average native. } } ____ French } ____ German } ____ Spanish } ____ English } ____ American } ____ Portuguese } ____ Dutch } ____ Greek (modern) } ____ Greek (classical) } ____ Latin } ____ Russian } ____ Hindi } ____ Urdu } ____ Tamil } ____ Fortran } ____ Arabic } ____ Tagalog } ____ Esperanto } ____ Swahili } ____ Chinese (Mandarin) } ____ Chinese (Cantonese) } ____ Japanese } ____ Korean (North) } ____ Korean (South) } ____ Serbo-Croatian } } PART IV - CHOICE OF HUMOR } } 1. Indicate which of the following types of humor interest } you. Check all that apply. } } ____ Puns } ____ Star Trek } ____ Jeopardy } ____ Babylon 5 } ____ X Files } ____ Soap operas } ____ Other TV } ____ Computer geek } ____ Computer newbie } ____ Other computer } ____ Top 10 lists } ____ Sci-fi } ____ Paradoxes } ____ Alternate reality } ____ Insulting drivel } ____ Impersonations } ____ No grovel... ZOT } ____ Woodchucks... ZOT } ____ I'm in a bad mood... ZOT } ____ Lisa } ____ Joel } ____ Other (specify) _______________________________________ } } 2. Indicate which of the following types of humor you find } excruciatingly lame. Check all that apply. } } ____ Puns } ____ Star Trek } ____ Jeopardy } ____ Babylon 5 } ____ X Files } ____ Soap operas } ____ Other TV } ____ Computer geek } ____ Computer newbie } ____ Other computer } ____ Top 10 lists } ____ Sci-fi } ____ Paradoxes } ____ Alternate reality } ____ Insulting drivel } ____ Impersonations } ____ No grovel... ZOT } ____ Woodchucks... ZOT } ____ I'm in a bad mood... ZOT } ____ Lisa } ____ Joel } ____ Other (specify) _______________________________________ } } PART V - METHOD OF PAYMENT } } 1. Circle the method you will use to pay the Oracle for } his services. You may switch to a different method at a } later date simply by submitting a new copy of this form. } } Cash Certified Check Visa Mastercard } } If paying by credit card, enter card number: _______________ } } 2. What the heck, give me all your other credit card } numbers, too. } } --------8<--Cut here------------------------------------------- } } Just fill in the form, and pop it off to the administrators. } That should take care of all your problems. --- 826-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Callipygous Oracle, > How can God sleep when people are starving? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How could people starve, if God was awake... } } You owe the Oracle something a little lighter. --- 826-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty oracle of the Bassalopes: > > What is Spam really? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The word "Spam" can be used about anything really, as long as there is } a lot of it. The word "Spam" can be used about anything really, as } long as there is a lot of it. The word "Spam" can be used about } anything really, as long as there is a lot of it. The word "Spam" can } be used about anything really, as long as there is a lot of it. The } word "Spam" can be used about anything really, as long as there is a } lot of it. The word "Spam" can be used about anything really, as long } as there is a lot of it. The word "Spam" can be used about anything } really, as long as there is a lot of it. --- 826-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh really hip, groovy, and keen Internet Oracle: > > Will the job opportunity I've found in Atlanta work out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This, my dear supplicant, depends. Please consult the following table, } provided to me by the US Olympic Oracle: } } Supplicant Ability Prospects look good Prospects look bad } ================== =================== ================== } Throwing javelins Athlete Crowd control } Hunting a bear dinner } } Swimming Athlete Ski patrol } Relaxing at the hotel } } Running Athlete Waiting for restroom } Evading wild animals } } Jumping Athlete Limbo } Back-row spectator } } Swinging paddles Athlete Elementary school } teacher Insect control } } Riding horses Athlete Sneaking into events } Beating the crowd to without a ticket } the parking lot } } Lighting fires Opening Ceremonies Hotel maid } Cooking dinner } } You owe the Oracle any Medals you receive. --- 826-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great solver of conundrums, what do the following have in common: > > John Belushi, whipped cream and Windoze 95 > > I eagerly await your answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } John Belushi Whipped Cream Windoze 95 } ------------ ------------- ---------- } Too Fat Too Fattening Too Fatheaded } Comedy Genius Comedy Potential Big Joke } Took Drugs Acts like a drug Designed by people } on medication } Used by Hollywood Used by cooks Used by idiots } } You owe the Oracle a pair of shades, a full tank of gas and half a } packet of cigarettes.