From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Wed Jan 21 09:47:50 2015 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-6x8MfSl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 00D1F1018DA; Wed, 21 Jan 2015 09:47:49 -0500 (EST) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1547 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20150121144750.00D1F1018DA@kinzler.com> Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2015 09:47:49 -0500 (EST) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1547 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1547 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2015 09:47:38 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1547 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1542 18 votes 05274 16821 24651 16461 17541 03d20 21375 04653 22761 03933 1542 3.2 mean 3.6 2.8 2.9 3.0 2.8 2.9 3.7 3.4 3.1 3.3 --- 1547-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The forecast was for 60% snow on the pervious day, but we got something > else. Where can I get a shovel for 180% snow? It's that deep. Wait, I > can't get out of here to get the shovel. You'll have to send it. Can > you maybe have Santa drop it down the chimney? Or is he still mythical, > like Easter Bunnies and Oracles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your Oracle is wintering in Phoenix, Arizona. The news reached here } that Buffalo got a year's worth of snow in a single day. } } Not impressed. We do that here every day. } } You owe the Oracle a tube of sunscreen. --- 1547-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who are the champions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We are. --- 1547-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need something inspiring. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, this one will be a little bit off-beat, but it should be } inspirational. } } Socrates wrote down the story of Plato's Allegory of the Cave. As a } quick refresher, Plato proposed a thought experiment of several people } who grew up chained to seats facing a wall and never seeing anything } that was not a shadow cast upon that wall. Plato supposed that if one } of those people were freed and brought to the outside world to see } the things that cast shadows and learn that things have color and } depth to them. Later this freed person returns to the cave and tries } to educate the others about the revelations, but they will not believe } their eyes are deceived. } } The message of the Allegory is that through actual experience you can } have dramatic life-changing revelations that change everything you } know about the world and expand your consciousness to the point that } your former peers have no way to comprehend the reality you have found } out. } } That message is BS. } } Actual cases of people long confined to small spaces and then let out } or blind from birth and given vision in adulthood, shows that new } developments in vision are not easily incorporated into the mind. } People without need for depth perception do not visually perceive } depth when brought into the wide world. People who gain vision don't } know how to use it, and see the world as a mishmish of colored shapes } without an understanding of how, say, a person turning around is the } same thing percieved from different angles, or what is in front of } what, or how size changes with distance. } } The brain needs to learn these things in infancy or they never } 'click'. I can hear your objections now, "There's nothing inspiring } in that. You're just saying we are stuck how we grew up." } } You're half right. Almost no one in the cave truely succeeds outside } it, but that's not where you should be looking for inspiration. Each } successive generation is moving further and further out of the cave. } Blindness is more easily treated. Kids don't grow up working in dark } mines any more. The typical baby will now grow up seeing more of the } world and from more angles and through more media than ever before. } Parts of humanity have stepped outside of the cave and most of it will } be living outside soon. } } Doesn't that just fill you with awe and make you want to help this } great progress of your species by expanding the opportunities for the } young to experience the world? } } You owe the Oracle nothing. But those movers over there, taking } furniture out of the cave, someone's got to pay them. --- 1547-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are they called "latter day saints"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I suppose I really should give you a trite and silly answer, but the } truth is pretty weird, too. } } First we must consider sainthood. Normally one gets to be a saint } within the confines of the Catholic Church. One must perform miracles, } usually long after one is dead. For most non-Catholic Christians the } saints were all from Long, Long Ago. Like Saint Peter or Saint Jerome. } } LDS saints are recent. Like YOU can be a saint. Or I can. Saint Orrie! } Oops, that's a step downhill. } } You owe the Oracle a small cask of brandy, as carried by St. Bernard, } and a promise not to make fun of religions unless they are especially } silly. The Invisible Pink Unicorn does not, for your information, } consider herself silly. --- 1547-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo Orriedude most able and alphabetical, > > I know you currently use the Staff of ZOT. What happened to the Staffs > of ZAT, ZET, and ZIT? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The staff of ZAT was just a rock on the end of a stick. } The staff of ZET was a large flint arrowhead on the end of a } skillfully crafted wooden shaft. } The staff of ZIT was a steel blade with a finely honed edge } welded to a long thin polished titanium cylinder filled with } a primitive rocket fuel. } The staff of ZOT is an electronic concoction with the ability to send } energy of any kind from any place in any direction for any distance } for any purpose with any result that your Oracle desires. } } But don't worry. The staff of ZOT has been retired. Development } of the staff of ZUT is nearly completed. You can safely come } out of hiding. } } . . . . . . z z z z z Z Z Z Z ZOT!! } } The gullibility of some people never ceases to amaze. Staff of } ZUT? That's just stupid. --- 1547-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pick a nose. Any nose. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Reminds me of that movie. } } SNOT: A wise idea. --- 1547-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I made two mistakes today on two separate papers, and it's all the > fault of MS Wrod. > > In the paper on the Wild West, for US Culture, I wrote shogun where I > meant shotgun. > > In the paper on Japan, for Asian History, I wrote shotgun where I > meant shogun. > > If you could give me a single solution that would correct both there > blunders at once I would be infernally grateful. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One word: Fusion! } } Write about a shotgun-wielding shogun, and you will be an innovative } author breaking down the boundaries between established genres. } Include some bizarre and pervert sex, and you will get actual press } coverage too. } } You owe the Oracle royalties. --- 1547-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVS Gmail The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No, no, no, no, no! You got it all wrong! How could you have been so > mistaken, in so many ways? And here I thought you were omniscient. > > Wait a minute. Hold on while I check a fact in Wikipedia. > > [sound of thumbing through web pages] > > Sorry. Seems that you were right after all. I could have sworn that > Wikipedia would confirm my thoughts. But Wikipedia is invariably > correct, mostly. > > You don't edit Wikipedia at all, do you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, this message includes a list of questions, but its } sources remain unclear because it has insufficient inline citations. } Please help to improve this question by introducing more precise } citations. You owe the Oracle a challenging response, instead of a glib } flame.[1] [1] ^ Kinzler, Steve. "The Internet Oracle FAQ." (1989) --- 1547-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I funkify my career? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wear less deodorant to work. (All right, so this answer stinks. Sue } me.) --- 1547-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I meant to say her shirt looked "nice", but the slightly more honest > but less subtle word "cute" came out instead. She took the > compliment as such, so I can't tell if I did that wrongly. Did > I? Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Are you actually asking the Oracle for advice about women and expecting } a useful answer? Even when my incarnation is female the answer to } your request lurks somewhere between Impossible and You Don't Even } Want To Go There. } } Be a brave boy, stand your ground, and accept the consequences. } } You owe the Oracle a video of your attempts to answer the question, } "Do I look fat?"