From oracle-admin@soic.indiana.edu Sat Mar 1 12:01:27 2014 Received: from newman.soic.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.100) with ESMTP id s21H1R9l021935; Sat, 1 Mar 2014 12:01:27 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id s21H1RWU021931; Sat, 1 Mar 2014 12:01:27 -0500 Date: Sat, 1 Mar 2014 12:01:27 -0500 From: oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Message-Id: <201403011701.s21H1RWU021931@newman.soic.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1528 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1528 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1528 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 01 Mar 2014 12:01:15 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1528 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1523 19 votes 32662 35542 87211 34552 a5103 05563 24463 16462 26722 05464 1523 2.9 mean 3.1 2.8 1.9 2.9 2.0 3.4 3.2 3.1 2.8 3.5 --- 1528-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do there have to be power outrages at work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They hate you. Expressions of anger are always caused by the person } who caused the anger, not the angry person. For example if you say, } "NO I WON'T GIVE YOU MY WALLET!" and that person hits you in anger, you } caused it by saying no. That's when your lights go out. All your fault. --- 1528-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The doctors say I have dementia, but you told me I was simply crazy. > Whom should I believe, a bunch of quacks, or an admittedly > self-proclaimed know-it-all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, diagnosing and treating mental deceases are unfortunately very } difficult and time consuming. But don't worry, I can fix that! } } *ZOT* } } There you go! All doctors know how to easily recognize burns, so } there should be no need to distrust them now! --- 1528-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In the founding of a new social science, not yet named, which of these > is more important--the idea of being (1) anticulturally yet > dendrologically polygamous, or (2) polymorphically substantive, or (3) > preposteriously and retrovotively latent? These terms, as you are well > aware, although appearing to be mutually exclusive, are violently and > subtly interwoven, and result in an intercretaceous and monastically > bipedestal anthropocentric pseudohippology. > > In addition to suggesting (1), (2) or (3), please add to the > understanding of this growing science with whatever observations you > can see, not limiting yourself to that which can be directly observed. > Hidden knowledge is most useful when obscurely presented in broad > daylight or by divine neglect. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is, like, Sokool. --- 1528-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ready for another one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No thanks, I still have a good supply left. Could use with some more } zeroes, however. } } You owe the Oracle a qubit drive. --- 1528-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, Oracle? The hawks vs. the doves: who wins? Normally, my money > is on the hawks, but I'll bet you know better. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question revolves, astonishingly but not unsurprisingly, on the } meaning of "dove." Some take it to mean pigeon-like symbol of peace. } Others think it's the past tense of dive. Watch this animated excursion } into verb forms: } } :: drive, drove, driven } :: dive, dove, divan } :: live, love, laughen } } See what can happen if you get involved sideways into English Grammar? } What a mess! } } The doves are under water. But the hawks are wearing ice skates. } Disaster looms. Suddenly, out of the sky, the Disaster Loons appear, } pick up the supplicant, and carry him off. } } The Oracle preens his own feathers. --- 1528-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best way to be charitable? I have been told (by my parents > and by my preacher, Rev. Ploofa) that one should simply forgive stupid > people for their inept lives, telling them calmly and politely, > "There, there, you poor thing, I understand how miserable you are, but > it's no fault of yours. Your innate stupidity cannot be overcome by > mere good intentions, yours or anyone's, but prayer and hard work can > improve us all." That should at least make them feel better. I've also > been told I should buy those people a cup of coffee. > > Anyway I tried that last week with a couple of homeless guys who asked > me for spare change. I told them I didn't find any fault with their > miserable attitude, and even offered to buy them lunch. "Can't drink > lunch," said one. The other one punched him in the face. I stepped > between them and told them to end their foolish quarrel. They both > pushed me over, jumped on me, breaking three ribs, and took all my > money. > > Please suggest a better pathway to charity. One that doesn't hurt so > much. Right now it only hurts when I breathe. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are on the right way, your only mistake was to choose the wrong } recipients. } } You need to find someone in really dire need. The ones lower than the } lowliest of the low. The ones too dirty to live in the worst slums of } the world. The ones that causes dung beetles, flies, fleas and lice } to flee in disgust. } } To help you along, I have found a group of individuals just like that! } Hereby, I declare that you are from now on officially responsible for } feeding my priests. } } You owe them a nice dinner. --- 1528-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Correct me if I'm wrong, but plagiarism is quoting someone without > giving proper credit and copyright infringement is using intellectual > property without permission. Right? It's what my dictionary told > me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Plagiarism is taking the work of P. J. "Bill" Plauger to be your own. } It was originally Plaugerism, but Bill didn't like that and sued Noah } Webster, Daniel Webster, and P. M. Roget. } } If you copy the right fringe instead of the left fringe, and do it } correctly, you get copy right fringement. } } If you don't like these answers, you owe the Oracle a differently } fringed question. --- 1528-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Holy Jumpin' Jesus! Why did you give me a religious answer? I don't > want to BE SAVED, I want to know how to save my MS WROD file when the > system says "A file error has occurred." Trusting in God and Jesus > might make us all feel warm and comfy, but it still loses all my data > and gets me a zero in my class in Canadian History. I lost the Whole > Damned Thing, and now what looks like the right file name contains > a Newfie joke I told my friend Maurice last year. He didn't get it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thy faith is weak if thou doubtest His plan for ye salvation of thine } computers! If thou truly had faith in Him, thou would do yer best to } follow His Ten Commandments of File Editing: } } 1) Thou shalt have no other editors than WORD (thou hast WROD, which is } Satan's tool to fool ye unbelievers) } 2) Thou shalt not make thee any ASCII ART images in thine files } 3) Thou shalt not edit thine files in vain, but thou shalt save often } 4) Remmember the sabbath day, to clear thine virus crap from thine } computer at least once a weak } 5) Honor thy father's advice to back thine files up, that yer files may } be long in the disk that the Computer is giving you } 6) Thou shalt not kill thine processes, but thou shalt allow them to } terminate gracefully } 7) Thou shalt not use thine computer for watching pr0n } 8) Thou shalt not use pirated software } 9) Thou shalt not bear false witness, even though thine subject of } Canadian History is full of ye bears } 10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's APPLE computer, for that is an } overpriced piece of crap } } (p.s.: Jumpin' Jesus isn't in the office this week, so I had to take it } for him. Lots of regards, thine Bouncin' Buddha.) --- 1528-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that you can add "o" to any English word to get its > Spanish equivalent? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, if you're a linguistic weird-o. --- 1528-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the key to this problem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Page 34 of the Teacher's Guide. } } No, um, B-flat. } } Wait, wait! I've got it: Steelcase series S cut #108. } } Sorry, just kidding, Mr Ramis. It's still Rick Moranis. } } You owe the Oracle some hot chocolate to mix this marshmallow into.