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From: Internet Oracle <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1499
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=== 1499 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1499
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2012 16:58:40 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1499
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1494  19 votes 33841 34750 14482 23635 14554 03853 12745 10765 05644 01648
1494  3.4 mean  2.8   2.7   3.3   3.3   3.4   3.4   3.5   3.7   3.4   4.0

--- 1499-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please, I need help.  We have finished a delicious
> dinner at a fine restaurant, and I just realized
> I left my wallet at home.  My date probably can
> afford to pay, but I don't want to admit to her
> that I screwed up.  What should I do instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse yourself for a moment. Visit the Gentlemen's Sanitary Euphemism.
} Crawl out the window, and jump. With luck you won't break your leg.
}
} If you did not break your leg, run to your car and drive off.
}
} If you did break your leg, hobble to your car and drive off.
}
} Leave town, change your identity, and never go back. Marry someone who
} has inherited wealth, is never suspicious, and whose beauty is measured
} in Negahelens. (Sinks ships.) She will be grateful, and will never
} catch on that you are the kind of weasel who sometimes pulls tricks
} like you did on your date in the City To Which You Must Never Return.
}
} You owe the Oracle your date's cell phone number. (Didn't think I was
} going to leave her stranded, did you?)

--- 1499-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why don't Steve Miller and Dave Matthews have proper names for their
> bands? Why does the public reward such narcissism by buying their
> stuff? Shouldn't they be boycotted until they reform their ways?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because all the good band names were taken.  The Steve Miller
} Band is just a name that was assigned to them; ironically
} their lead guitarist is named Dave Matthews.  The Dave
} Matthews Band was assigned as a name to a band fronted by
} a Stephen Miller.
}
} Here are the first 101 entries in the official list of the
} most desirable band names not currently taken.  Hurry if you
} want one; the list only gets worse as you go further down it.
}
} Lumpy Doo Dah
} OJ's Charmers
} Zombie Army Boots And The Positional Missionaries
} Heartbreaking Philosophy Or Maybe Not
} Silent But Deadly Tools
} Utterly Normal Christians Under The Bed
} Purveyors Of Bongos
} Collective Submission Nightly On Channel Zero
} Hollow Chocolate Jonses On My Shoulders
} So-So Third Reich of Torture
} Raisins In The Army
} The Mormon Tabernacle Mime Troup
} Olympic-Sized Munitions And The Evil Lawn Gnomes
} The Flaccid Game Show Hosts Experience
} Underage Bambi Hunters
} In Worship Of Cult
} Crusty Privilege On TV
} Rusty Sucka-Punchers On ESPN
} Quip And The Vacant Potholders
} The Agony Of Klowns
} My Big Fat Heart Of Gold From Hawaii
} FBI Bureaucrats With Extra Hot Sauce
} Xanax-Poppin Money Junkies
} Hypocritical Coat Hangers
} Jimbo's Gefilte Fish
} Badly Animated Lawnmower Massacre
} French Chicken Nuggets Stuck In A Rollercoaster
} Concrete Trial Lawyers About To Explode
} Might Be Zipper
} Tangerine Firehose
} Musical Gorillas From Outer Space
} Everybody Loves Sinatra With Eric Clapton On Ukulele
} Insipid Nudists In Trouble
} My Pink Half Of The Acid
} Intellectual Annihilation
} Adhesive Genies
} Swine Limozeen
} Worthless Tartar Sauce Up The River
} Kangaroos Wear No Saliva
} Eeny Meeny Meinie Troubador
} Paisley Breakdance
} Bratty Blues
} All Night Explosions
} Cosmic Whigs
} Long Haired Triumph
} Paradoxical Geeks
} Do You Have Muff
} Purple Dog Biscuit
} Minty Fresh Angels
} Michael Jackson's Thieves Featuring Inmates #192034, #394028, And
} #059384 Moldy Angels
} Butt Ugly Grandeur
} Giant Economy Sized Barf Bags
} Nobody Likes Dread
} Anal Infestation In The Grass
} Queer Maze Through Incompetence
} Lemon Messiah Or Else
} Somebody Get Me The Brides
} Omaha Mud
} Low Cost Bluenoses
} Oral Roberts's Sloths
} We Deserve The Tuna Salad On The Porch
} Heroic War Machine
} Dilbert's Idiots
} Mollycoddled Medicine Peddlers In A Pineapple Under The Sea
} Jonestown Killjoys Coming To Kick Your Butt
} Sex Drugs And The Penthouse View
} Fat Faced Noses With Mint Sauce
} Serrated Hole
} King Of The Tattletales With Beggs Enedict
} Funny Ha Ha Ego
} Rusty Scoundrels
} Suburban Wedding Cakes Of Vapor
} Joltin' Earmuffs
} Can't Remember Rotten Eggs On The Street
} Jumpy Bicycle Sharpeners
} Heroic Lefthanders
} Adulterated Sheep
} Name The Weathermen In The Psychiatric Ward
} Three Toed Hairless Heroin Injection Sites On The Back Page Of Newsweek
} I Get A Kick Out Of Doofuses On Friday Night
} You Don't Know Meatloaf
} Persistent Ruckus Of Planet Vulcan
} Plus-Sized Attraction Down The Street
} Love Poetry Of TKO
} Assorted Trout
} Ninety Eight Pound Fundraiser
} Cocaine Snortin' Love Boat
} In Honor Of Backwoods Cabin From Honduras
} Jellybean Junior Mints Under The Rocks
} Leaky Coke
} The Crappy Secret
} Republican Snacks
} Belgian Yahtzee Game In The Trunk Of A Ford Pinto
} Blurry All Stars
} Hurry Up And Get The Celebrities In The Machine
} Shaggggy Dogg
} Interactive Hangup In The Sewers
} Drunken Java Programmers In The U.S.A.
} Alarm Clocks In Baghdad
} Band Name Number 101

--- 1499-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please tell me the team that is going to win the NBA
> playoffs this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know that my answer will probably tax your brain cells beyond their
} prelastic limit, but the winner will be the Chicago Cubs. The logic
} involved is rather perverse, so I won't display it here, owing to how
} little children and White Sox fans (not to the mention NBA fans) might
} see it, but if you'll consider the Cubs' dismal record, you'll see that
} by the Law of Averages they are doomed to win something, eventually.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plan for making money off the insane loyalty that
} fans show to teams that are hopeless losers.

--- 1499-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> At last!  I've done it!
> Nothing can stop me now!
> Muwwahhhahahahahahahaha!
>
>          CH3
>           |
>           N
>          / \
>     N---C   C==O
>    ||  ||   |
>    ||  ||   |
>    CH   C   N--CH3
>      \ / \ /
>       N   C
>       |  ||
>      CH3  O

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Another diabolical scheme foiled by using the wrong font.

--- 1499-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> If there's no proof, then the accusations must be either a lie or a
> joke - which is it?  Or, if there is proof, then what/where is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want answers?  You *want* ANSWERS?  You can't HANDLE
} the proof!  Son, we live in a world that has supplicants,
} and those supplicants have to be answered by incarnations
} with ruthlessness.  You don't want the proof because deep
} down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want
} me answering those supplicants, you need me answering
} those supplicants.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few good questions.

--- 1499-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I feel a bit ooky. Please fix.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's some ade juice.  It will get out your inks and put you on an
} even eel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fun night.

--- 1499-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The pen is mightier than the sword, but a picture is worth a thousand
> words.
>
> So is a picture of a sword mightier than the pen? But that doesn't
> make sense: couldn't I just poke a hole through the picture with the
> pen? But with the actual sword, I would be able to chop the pen up
> into little bits, whereas no harm could be done to the sword. I was
> hoping the sword could at least get vicarious satisfaction by at least
> having its picture be mightier, but now I'm confused. What is the
> resolution to this conundrum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Any good quality pen can write more than a mere
} thousand words - surely a million or more unless
} you are prone to sesquipedalianism - so clearly
} it is mightier than a kiloword picture.
}
} However, comparison to a sword is tricky.  Here
} is the full quote from Edward Bulwer-Lytton (yes,
} *that* Bulwer-Lytton):
}
}      "Beneath the rule of men entirely great,
}       the pen is mightier than the sword."
}
} In other words, in normal times, such as ours,
} the smart money is still on the sword.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sandwich toothpick shaped
} like a pen.

--- 1499-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What!  How can you say such things!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I just open my mouth and the... werds...jest...fl-flo-
} flowwwww.  Aw cra-cra-crap, now yew-yew-yew got mmmmmmeeee
} think-ink-inking ab-abou-about it-t-t-it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fresh start.

--- 1499-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Good grief, whatta disguise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And I woulda gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling
} kids!

--- 1499-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ahem.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, sorry, I didn't see you had come in.  You are
} answering the ad for the position as Zot tester?
} Please step into that room over there.
}
} What does the job entail?  Zadoc will explain it
} all to you, though it is pretty self-explanatory,
} really.  Just go into the room.
}
} No, there is no application form to fill out.  The
} ad stated that you must have no next of kin; that
} is the case, right?  Then we don't need any other
} information.  The payment is in cash and totally
} off the books so I don't need your taxpayer info.
} As though you would have any.  Go on in there.
}
} No, ignore the sounds coming from inside.  I am
} sure they aren't screams.  Zadoc probably has his
} radio on too loud.
}
} Look, do you want the job, or not?
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.