From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed May 9 12:52:48 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id q49Gqmf8014417; Wed, 9 May 2012 12:52:48 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id q49Gqm5K014414; Wed, 9 May 2012 12:52:48 -0400 Date: Wed, 9 May 2012 12:52:48 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201205091652.q49Gqm5K014414@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1497 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1497 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1497 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 09 May 2012 12:52:37 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1497 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1492 21 votes 15852 25860 04674 14835 15591 17823 02784 11874 27435 79221 1492 3.1 mean 3.1 2.9 3.5 3.3 3.2 3.0 3.7 3.6 3.1 2.1 --- 1497-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most sanguine, > > I'd like to become a vampire. But can I do it without becoming a wimp? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How to... become a vampire: } } 1. Cut garlic out of your diet. } 2. Learn to speak in a vaguely Eastern European accent. } 3. Get canine teeth extensions. } 4. Wear black. } 5. Get a cape and play peek-a-boo with strangers. } 6. Take all the help you can and never give anything back. } 7. Cut steak out of your diet, just to be on the safe side. } 8. Learn to insert contact lenses without using a mirror. } 9. Determine your blood type. (It doesn't really matter for becoming } a vampire. It's just a good idea.) } 10. Stop going outside and use bleach for face wash. } 11. Start carrying smoke bombs and pet bats so that you can "turn into } a creature of the night" at will. } 12. Develop a taste for pig blood. Pigs are pretty close to humans, } so if you ever get into the big time, you should be all set. } 13. Buy a huge castle and a suspiciously comfortable coffin. } 14. Live forever. Honestly, the hard part is the first 120 years. } After that, it's like falling off a log. } 15. One word: glitter. } } My guess is that you are getting tripped up over step #15. Lots of } people associate pixie dust with pre-teen girls, but that's not the } right way to think about it. Being a vampire is all about smoke and } mirrors: little, tiny, smoke-like mirrors. } } You owe the Oracle a pint. Not that kind of pint! A pint of bitter, } you buffoon. --- 1497-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > MGM proudly presents: > > WHEN ZADOC MET LISA. > > A Rob Reiner Production. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } DC Comics version out next week. Buy 70 gazillion copies. I'm getting } royalties. } } It's just fiction, remember. Princess Ann Droid is playing Lisa, and } YOU are Zadoc. Don't forget to mumble incoherently when asked a direct } question, not that you ever don't. } } Zadoc, stop making faces like that. The supplicant will only pretend to } be you. He'll fall on his own face, not yours. --- 1497-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think I need help in spelling or in fixing my computer. The spell > checker on my computer says that wierd is the wrong spelling and that > weird is correct, and that's wrong of course because it's supposed to > be I before E. > > I'd like to punch my computer in the byte, sometimes. Do you ever feel > that way, like when incarnations try to make you look religious or in > some other way stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whoever violates the august rule of "I before E" } should have thier head examined. Iether your computer } was made in a foriegn country, or it uses a counterfiet } spellchecker. } } In your liesure time, lift a biege driedel to sufficeint hieght } and bring it down on the hienous machine, to riensure the riegn } of our language, and indeed of our speceis. } } You owe the Oracle a stien of Budwieser, served by a giesha } in a revealing piegnoir and dancing to a siesmic Lietmotiv. --- 1497-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I will defend to your death my right to my opinion. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since the Oracle won't die, nor rely on opinions more than facts, he's } okay with that. } } You owe the Oracle a Nine-Voltaire battery. --- 1497-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's either very young cheese or very old meat. What's > your view? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's the cirrrrrcle, the circle of li-i-i-ife. } } You owe the Oracle a king-sized portion. --- 1497-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I had a fun time at the Japanese festival; sorry you couldn't come. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was our parakeet's bowling night, plus I had to wash } the attic and align the gravel in my driveway, also I've } been a bit under the weather with all this weather we've } been having lately, and to top it all off it was my turn } to return the books we borrowed from the recycling plant. } Maybe another year. } } You owe the Oracle a note from his doctor. --- 1497-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What kinda fuel does the Oracle run on? I was under the impression > that it was either jokes or questions. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I run on sentences you owe the Oracle an editor not the } software kind I want a real person thank you for your } attention in this matter. --- 1497-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Huburt Badbungle here. Huburt Vinton Badbungle, III. > > I know what you're thinking, "He's probably one of the Milkpenny > Badbungles, the ones who annoy me all the time with inane questions." > Well, it's not true. We do not know the Milkpenny Badbungles. Indeed, > we have never even heard of them. > > If you could change my name, what would you call me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Normally, I would probably just call you Grasshopper or Supplicant or } maybe something more degrading as payback for the lack of groveling. } But it is obvious, Mr. Badbungle... um, the third, that you're no } Milkpenny Badbungle and no ordinary supplicant. So... what shall I } call you from now on, former-Mr. Badbungle III, hmm? } } oracle@cs.indiana-K53E:$ newname -l4 "Huburt Vinton Badbungle III" } ........... } Choice 1: } Uninhibited Loving Tuba Rub } keep name? (y/n): n } ...... } Choice 2: } Blurt Inuit Dubbing Ivanhoe } keep name? (y/n): n } ................ } Choice 3: } Gavin Intuition Duh Blubber } keep name? (y/n): n } ............. } Choice 4: } Uninhibited Loving Tuba Rub } keep name? (y/n): n } .... } Choice 5: } Auburn Deviling Hobbit Unit } keep name? (y/n): n } .................... } Choice 6: } Giovanni Bubblier Hindu Tut } keep name? (y/n): y } } Yes! Absolutely. I think that's as good as it will get Hubu... I } mean, Mr. Tut. Or can I call you Giovanni? } } You owe the Oracle a rose by another name. --- 1497-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you joking me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hecks no, homey amigo. I would give you never the } bad 411 infos. That breasty girl over there, at the } other bottom of the tavern stools, she have been } give you the looking over, the up AND the down, all } tonights. Most sincereful, I you tell, you should } go to her over, and buy her a drinks. Who know, she } may Yes Yes your prepositions. } } You owe the Oracle a Foreigner-to-English dictionary. --- 1497-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Q: What did Picasso say on his day off? } A: Hm, I'm drawing a blank. } } You owe the Oracle a palette of invisible inks.