From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Mar 22 21:41:32 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.60) with ESMTP id i2N2fV2Y020495; Mon, 22 Mar 2004 21:41:31 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i2N2fVte020492; Mon, 22 Mar 2004 21:41:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 21:41:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200403230241.i2N2fVte020492@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1354 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1354 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1354 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 21:41:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1354 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1349 68 votes 68kmc 6eiic 4dnhb 8gfja 25pnd 6doi7 7hhgb 3ktc4 4ehif 046kC 1349 3.3 mean 3.4 3.2 3.3 3.1 3.6 3.1 3.1 2.9 3.4 4.4 --- 1354-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose knowledge is as overpowering as his stench, > > Which metal is better for blocking the government mind-control rays, > tin or aluminum? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Zadoc? This dashboard pine freshener needs replaced...] } } No one has been sure whether tin, aluminum, or even the impentitrable } mesh of a stainless steel collander is better than just plain old } turning up your stereo, supplicant. But we here at Oracle Labs } ("Better things for better living through alchemy...") have tried } various metals over the years with mixed success. } } Aluminum: Supplicant spoke British English, was confused } Steel: Supplicant developed neck strain } Wrought Iron: Supplicant rusted } Tin: Supplicant changed his name to Stan } Plastic: Supplicant got a great redneck haircut with bangs } Lead: Supplicant got lead poisoning } Silver: Supplicant still got goverment messages, but not from werewolves } Lithium: Supplicant felt better about things in general } Sodium: Supplicant sweated, then head exploded } } The only metal that seemed to work was Gold, which he used to bribe } some of our monks to stop testing him (after seeing the results sodium } experiment), and later to bribe the government to change the messages } to one that was more soothing. } } You owe the Oracle a phone call to "The Wolf" to clean up this lab } after that sodium experiment. --- 1354-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH NOES! MY PANTS HAV BEAN STOLED! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) Allen Dewitt, the 2004 National Spelling Bee } champion, was disqualified today when it was discovered that he had } cheated during the final round. He would not have been discovered had } he not gone skinny-dipping in the pool at the hotel where he and his } family were staying during the competition. When Dewitt filed a police } report claiming that his pants had been stolen, officials became } suspicious of his actual spelling skills. } } "We always wondered how he managed to win all the time," said his } mother, Margaret Dewitt of Akron, Ohio. "But he said as long as he wore } his lucky pants, he would keep winning. And he did. At home his } spelling was atroshus... attrocius... um, awful." } } After a brief investigation, includng an interview with Allen, National } Spelling Bee officials stripped him of his title and awarded it to } Jeremy Cox of Nashville, Tennessee. Cox had been the first runner-up. } } "This is completely unexpected," said Cox on learning that he was the } new champion. "But I kinda feel bad for Allen, and hope he finds his } pants soon. That's gotta be embarrassing, running around Washington } with no pants." } } The White House had no comment. --- 1354-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who knows truly everything about space, > > Is Pluto a planet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Mr Annan, ladies and gentlemen, I have come before you today as a } representative of the United States to present proof, positive proof, } that the object we know as "Pluto" is, in fact, a weapons depository } for the rogue nation of Iran, and to demand that you support US forces } in our attempt to bring democracy to that country by bombing the shit } out of everything but their oil fields. } } "Where are you going? Come back - I haven't finished giving my } presentation yet! } } "Hell. I told Dick they'd never buy it." --- 1354-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, my name is Charles Lignon Marmituous, and I come from > a slightly different reality, one where Ignatius Donnelly > (among others) did not exist. What I need, O Impressive One, > is an explanation of the Bible, especially the Book of > Laminations. Am I in the right reality for that question? > I understand that you are so extra-specially Omniscient that > you can help me regardless. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course I am. I'm present in all realities. Not that I want to be } present in some of them... *shudder* } } Zadoc will now read from Laminations, Chapter Three, verses one through } six } } And the Lords Of The Universe spake, saying let there be clear plastic } to surround these sheets. And Polymatrix took the gift of the Lords and } saw that it was useful. But, he grew unsatisfied with the mass of } plastic, and took it back to the temple of the Lords, saying "Oh Lords, } thou hast granted me this amorphous lump of plastic... what am I } supposed to do with it now" } } And the Lords did squish Polymatrix to a pulp, and gave the plastic to } his son, Styrene, and onto him they gave a heating lamp. And Styrene } did melt the plastic and coat the sheets with it, and the Lords saw the } protected sheets, and it was good. } } The people of the town then stoned Styrene to death, for laminating all } their toilet paper. And the Lords did laugh } } Here endeth the lesson } } You owe the Oracle a roll of triple-ply extra soft --- 1354-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > axe me And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } * A nice fast techno music starts playing * } * The Oracle dons Kung-Fu suit * } * The Oracle dons hyper cool shades * } * The Oracle performs a series of amazing katas * } * The Oracle expands its chi * } * The Oracle calmly faces the supplicant * } * The Oracle throws a fax at the supplicant * } * The fax throws shurikens made of tax forms at the supplicant* } * The Oracle throws a sax at the supplicant * } * A gigantic motor axle falls and turns the supplicant to red pulp * } } Ha! Didn't expecta that, did ya? } } You owe the Oracla the "Living with Dyslexia" audio book serires. } And a playndrome. --- 1354-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think I've come to realize that the shortest email is the most > effective in making one's point. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From one point of view, it is, indeed, true. I could answer your } question with a simple "Yop." and that would surely make you understand } that I, in general, agree with you. Moreover, short electronic messages } make it clear that you're a man of business, not chit-chat, and that } you have lots of things to do; one-liner simply says that you don't } have any time to spend writing email messages. People writing long } emails don't value their time. } Consider, for example, a simple message like "ZOT!". It's short, it's } practical, it makes point and you don't have to waste time delicately } answering somebody's question. } Working as an Internet Oracle I learned a lot about email messages. I } got short questions, long questions, smart questions, funny questions, } rude questions, even questions that aren't questions at all (e.g. they } don't have any '?'s). And I'll tell you one thing: short questions are } better for sure. } Short question needs a short answer (consider T. of Ferma) and that's } good for my health as an Oracle's incarnation. } } I think you've got your answer by reading to this point. } } You owe Oracle a text-compressor. --- 1354-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, whose infinite greatness is so awe-inspiring > as to cause cranial implosions in small mammals. You have a very > nice operation going on here, lots of supplicants, a good supply > of offerings, plent of priests, it'd be a shame if something were > to, you know, happen. What, you ask? Well, offerings get "lost", > priests get convicted, supplicants catch fire, things happen, but me > and my associate here are offering you a special offer on "insurance" > to insure that nothing nasty happens to anything around here, if you > catch my drift. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Right. Supplicants catch fire. If you run fast enough, you might } get away from the flames eating up your pants. } } Hah! A self-immolating one. Didn't even need the ZOT. --- 1354-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise Oracle, who is mo--- HEY! Am I the only person actually awake > here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Marines may be semper fidelis. For me, it's nunquam dormio. --- 1354-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise 0racle most exuberant and well-scrubbed, > > Why did his plane keep hitting the water? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because his other woodworking tools were securely stowed inside the } ark. Noah was usually pretty careful with his tools, but after dropping } his plane on the elephant deck, he wasn't too worried about saving it. } } You owe the Oracle a coupon for 25% off all Craftsman tools at the } Sears store in Gomorrah. --- 1354-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Succinct Oracle, you that can solve most problems before they > occur, Wonder of the Internet and star player for the Immortals' > Softball team, > > Who eliminated the middle man? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think it was Tinker who first threw directly to Chance, thereby } eliminating Evers. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to Coopersville.