From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri May 2 09:26:45 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h42Dxf006387; Fri, 2 May 2003 08:59:41 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 08:59:41 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200305021359.h42Dxf006387@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1319 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1319 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1319 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 02 May 2003 08:59:28 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1319 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1314 62 votes b9cjb 59rd8 1brf8 14mt6 pj873 anfd1 16hdp 7ti62 4flh5 29pfb 1314 3.1 mean 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.6 2.1 2.5 3.9 2.5 3.1 3.4 --- 1319-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Clairvoyant Oracle most uncommon and wily, you are more wise > than all the world's talking heads and more witty than 75,000 > spark plug gapping mechanics, > > Is my body falling apart? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?" } By Dr. Oracle } } Now that you're growing into a new phase } of your life, you may be noticing some changes } in your body. You might find these changes } alarming or confusing, but they're just a natural } part of you body's adapting to your new needs. } Let's look at some of the changes: } } 1. My weight shifts from upper body to middle belly. } Don't worry about this: your body is just } lowering its center of gravity to help } prevent falls. } } 2. I can't read the fine print any more. } Your new role is to have the long-range vision, } so your eyes are shifting their focus away from } short-range things. } } 3. All my hair is falling out! } Yes, but it's regrowing on your back. } } 4. I can't - you know - do it as often every night. } That's because partner can no longer handle your } usual nine times per night. Try to get by on just } six times. } } 5. I get these awful hot flashes. } That's just your body telling you that it really, } really wants to move to Florida. } } So don't fret about these changes: they're all part } of the plan by our wonderful bodies to adapt us to } our changing lives. } } You owe the Oracle a VD film. --- 1319-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that the Internet Oracle (tm) > is the first application to run on the > new NSA quantum computer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, actually they ran the XXX version o[ ** DELETED IN THE } INTEREST OF NATIONAL SECURITY -- YOUR SAFETY IS OUR ONLY } CONCERN --- THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING. HOMELAND } SECURITY COFFEE CUPS AND TEE SHIRTS NOW AVAILABLE AT: } http://www.darpa.mil/iao/ ** ]. But hey, they didn't ask } me first. } } You owe the Oracle a [ NICE COFFEE CUP ]. --- 1319-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Should I become a cave troll when I grow up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, an alt.cave troll. --- 1319-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most full of nift, > where can I get my accordion tuned? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh foolish supplicant, you don't } need to pay to have this done, you } can tune it yourself. Here are the } simple steps: } } 1. First, you need to free up the } reeds from any gunk that is } binding them up, so give each } of them a generous squirt of } acetone. } } 2. Now to get the keys working freely, } you'll need to get them nice and } warm. The easiest way to do this } is to heat them up with a hair } drier set on High. } } 3. That *WHOOMPF* that you hear is the } absolutely perfect sound for an } accordion. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to Paris. --- 1319-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle wise and true, riddle me this: > > Will the Red Sox ever win the World Series? Is this the year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Whoops! I just discovered this question and answer had been in the } Outlook Express outbox for the last 85 years. Hey, when you answer as } many questions as I do, something's bound to fall through the cracks. } -- TIO) } } Yes, this will be another superb year for the Red Stockings (sorry, I } don't like the new, somewhat vulgar shortened form of the name that you } used), as they take the pennant of the American League, and then defeat } the Cubs of the National League in the World Series. Add that to their } World Champion titles earlier in this decade, and they will be known } throughout history as the Team of the 1910s. } } By the way, their good fortune may even continue into the Twenties. I } am very impressed with certain future prospects for the Red Stockings. } Keep an eye on one player in particular, a George H. Ruth. He is a } very good pitcher, but he is also an exceptionally good hitter, such } that the team may have to make him a position player so that he can hit } every day. If they do that, I think he could hit as many as 30 home } runs in a single season! Needless to say, I predict that the Red } Stockings will dominate the major leagues for as long as Mr. Ruth plays } for the team. } } You owe the Oracle tickets to all future Red Stockings-Cubs World } Series. --- 1319-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle! Please take this antidote as my offer to your great > majesty in hope you may answer my query. > > If I were to engineer a biological agent to neutralize the world's > human population, what should it smell like? > > -Daemon the Evil Canadian Overlord (eh?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hard work. Nothing repels humans better than a hint of that. --- 1319-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all mighty Oracle who's toe-jam I am not even fit to look at, much > less lick, can you tell me where I can find information about DMP? > Is there an FAQ I can turn to or something? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go ask in rhod. } } Asking about rhod regulars here makes as much sense as } asking about the Oracle in rhod. --- 1319-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most Spiffy, > > Are lawyers really a separate species? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a common misconception that lawyers (Homo Sapien Lex) are a } separate species from Modern Man (Homo Sapien Sapien). } Studies have demonstrated that they are capable of interbreeding with } the rest of humanity - it's just that most humans avoid them like the } plague. } This may be explained by the higher than average risk that the } offspring of such unions will be politicians (Homo Sapien Curia). } } Incarnated as MTPT --- 1319-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Which would make a more applicable pet, a dugout sprite > or a reborn feline? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, supplicant, this is the third } time that this incarnation has seen this } question come through the queue. That } means that none of the other incarnations } are willing to touch it, because it's } just stupid: there's nothing that anyone } can make of it. I'm answering it to put } the poor thing out of its misery. } } You owe all of us incarnations some } supplications with at least a little } semantic content. --- 1319-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > --part1_184.1a3a554e.2be0c433_boundary > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > Oracle, oracle on the net, > on which baseball team do you care to bet? > > --part1_184.1a3a554e.2be0c433_boundary > Content-Type: text/html; charset="US-ASCII" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > FACE=3D"Arial" LANG=3D"0">Oracle, oracle on the net,
> on which baseball team do you care to bet? > > --part1_184.1a3a554e.2be0c433_boundary-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh gods, what a mess. Let's see, } hmm.. } hmm.. } Yes, there seems to be a supplication } down there somewhere. } } ZADOC! Get in here with the HTML shovel } and clear all this crap away! } } There, that's better. } Oh, that was worth while. } } Ahem... } } The scene it wasn't rosy } for the Boston Sox that year. } The ownership was new and young } their mission less than clear. } } And then when Epstein made GM } to take Duquette's old role, } the fans went out to drink and their } old agony console. } } A few fans backed Toronto and } a few took Tampa Bay. } But the faithful stayed at Fenway } and looked for a brighter day. } They thought if only Nomar } could get up there at the plate, } They'd pay good money just to see } the Yankees meet their fate. } } But Johnny Damon came up first, } and then Todd Walker hit. } And the leadoff man was cold as ice, } and helped them not a bit. } But Damon hit into the gap } and wound up taking two, } And Walker drew a walk and } took first base, so he came through. } } Then from the serried Red Sox fans } there came a mighty shout. } It bounced off of the Monster and } it echoed all about. } It bounced off of the Citgo sign } that all the players hate, } For Nomar, mighty Nomar, } was advancing to the plate. } } A twinkle came to Nomar's eye, } a smile was on his face. } He nodded to the umpire, } and calmly took his place. } He smiled down the third base line } and took his signal there, } And fixed the writhing pitcher } with the full force of his glare. } } He tugs his gloves upon his hands } and digs his toes in deep. } and hawks a wad at Clemens } who went to the Yanks, the creep. } Now Rocket Roger holds the ball, } and now it's coming fast, } And Nomar turns upon it } and lets loose an awful blast. } } And there in Red Sox nation, } the fans rejoice and shout. } They throw their caps up in the air } and toss their beer about. } They yell and shout and whistle } and they make a might sound. } For Nomar's liner put the } Rocket's ass upon the ground. } } You owe the Bambino a sincere apology.