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From: Internet Oracle <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1298
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=== 1298 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1298
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 2002 13:01:45 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1298
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1293  60 votes 4hhf7 49w96 39tg3 17pgb 69jm4 648mk 1cki9 3agjc 49jm6 bfeb9
1293  3.3 mean  3.1   3.1   3.1   3.5   3.1   3.8   3.4   3.5   3.3   2.9

--- 1298-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> --0-1070384773-1039408882=:80802
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>
> Everytime a frog croaks, is he dead?
>
> ---------------------------------
> Do you Yahoo!?
> Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now
> --0-1070384773-1039408882=:80802
> Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii
>
> <BLOCKQUOTE>Everytime a frog croaks, is he dead?</BLOCKQUOTE>
> <p><br><hr>Do you Yahoo!?<br>
> <a href="http://xahoo.com/mail/mailsig/">Yahoo! Mail Plus</a> -
> Powerful. Affordable. <a href="http://xahoo.com/mail/mailsig/">
> Sign up now</a>
> --0-1070384773-1039408882=:80802--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is an automated response from the Oracle's new RQBL system, the
} Realtime Queue Blackhole List.
}
} We're sorry, but your request for the Wisdom of the Ages has been
} rejected because:
}
} RQBL207: Content filtering detected the pattern **o* c***ks in the
} message, possibly referring to a forbidden marmot.
} RQBL415: MIME content was detected, and the Oracle is running low on
} silencers.
} RQBL001: Gallagheresque content was detected.
} RQBL214: Your mandatory freemail signature was longer than the body of
} your message.
} RQBL666: No grovel was detected.
}
} Your address will be retained in the RQBL for a period of one year,
} barring any further infringements against good taste and politeness.
} If you have taken steps to rectify the problems referenced above,
} please post a message to rec.humor.oracle.d listing this incident
} number and the phrase "Daniel and his fish are welcome guests in
} my house." This will give the regulars something to talk about.
}
} Please join us in making the Oracle a better service for everyone!
}
} The RQBL

--- 1298-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What do you want for [Chrismas/Hannuka/Kwanza/Solstice/whatever]?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Santa's not the only one who keeps a list, you know.  I remember all of
} those things I've asked you for in the last year.  Now would be a great
} time to pay up.  Let's see here...
}
} An upside-down octopus
} 12 pints of Guinness
} A picture
} The videotape
} One big dubya
} A Babel Fish
} A lantern (lit)
} My underwear back
} A photocopy of your face
} A meerkat
} The secret to the universe in your mind
} 3 of them.
}
} FedEx would be best.

--- 1298-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Deathless and venerable Oracle,
>
>  What is the age of reason?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} You'll find out when you're older.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Babe in the Woods.

--- 1298-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Conspicuous Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On my first day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} On my 2nd day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} two queries 'bout love and
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} On my 3rd day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} Three koans (zen),
} two queries 'bout love and
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} On my 4th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} Four letter words,
} Three koans (zen),
} two queries 'bout love and
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} On my 5th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} Five moldy Puns,
} Four letter words,
} Three koans (zen),
} two queries 'bout love and
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} On my 6th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} Six Clease replayings,
} Five moldy Puns,
} Four letter words,
} Three koans (zen),
} two queries 'bout love and
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} On my 7th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),
} Six Clease replayings,
} Five moldy Puns,
} Four letter words,
} Three koans (zen),
} two queries 'bout love and
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} On my 8th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} Eight injoke milkings,
} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),
} Six Clease replayings,
} Five moldy Puns,
} Four letter words,
} Three koans (zen),
} two  queries 'bout love and
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} On my 9th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} Nine Lisa de-pantsings,
} Eight injoke milkings,
} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),
} Six Clease replayings,
} Five moldy Puns,
} Four letter words,
} Three koans (zen),
} two  queries 'bout love and
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} On my 10th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} Ten LotR film referAncings,
} Nine Lisa de-pantsings,
} Eight injoke milkings,
} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),
} Six Clease replayings,
} Five moldy Puns,
} Four letter words,
} Three koans (zen),
} two  queries 'bout love and
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} On my 11th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} Eleven Pilfered Routines,
} Ten LotR film referAncings,
} Nine Lisa de-pantsings,
} Eight injoke milkings,
} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),
} Six Clease replayings,
} Five moldy Puns,
} Four letter words,
} Three koans (zen),
} two  queries 'bout love and
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} On my 12th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;
} Twelve W..dch.ck Questions,
} Eleven Pilfered Routines,
} Ten LotR film referAncings,
} Nine Lisa de-pantsings,
} Eight injoke milkings,
} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),
} Six Clease replayings,
} Five moldy Puns,
} Four letter words,
} Three koans (zen),
} two  queries 'bout love and
} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lot of birds and some frisky servants.

--- 1298-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> when will I find a job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you stop sending email with the subject 'tellme' and start
} sending ones with the subject 'resume'.

--- 1298-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
>  It wasn't the Taliban, but George bombed Afghanistan.
>  It wasn't Sadam, but George is going to bomb Iraq.
>
>  Please explain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's an old American tradition.  Let's say you're jaywalking, and the
} traffic is pretty weak so you figure you can get away with it, but lo
} and behold, an express bus comes and bounces you back on the curb.
} You're pretty hurt, and you don't have socialized medicine, so how do
} you get the money to pay for the bills?
}  a) sue the bus driver, since s/he was controlling the vehicle that
}     hit you
}  b) sue the bus company, since they have enough money to pay the bills
}  c) nobody, since it was your own fault for jaywalking, or
}  d) the city, for not preventing you from jaywalking nor the bus from
}     hitting people.
}
} Sadly, most Americans would answer b.  Some would even answer d, and
} would fight pretty hard, with a self-righteous platform about how the
} city should take more responsibility for the safety of it's citizens.
} Surprisingly few would answer a, either because b would be more
} lucrative, or d would "help" the community.
}
} I'm sure you can see the analogy here.  Afghanistan is the bus driver
} (which, to extend the metaphor, got his bus driving job because the
} jaywalker is a buddy of his and pulled some strings), Iraq is like the
} bus company (OPEC can pay plenty of hospital bills), and the United
} Nations security council is the 'city,' who is getting so distracted
} by these miscreant bus drivers that they're overlooking China parking
} in handicaped spaces, North Korea running red lights and Rwanda's
} poisoning of the school cafeteria.
}
} Convincing a group of Americans ("a person is smart, people are
} dumb, panicky animals," said a certain Man In Black) to pick 'c' is
} damn near impossible, especially when they see how other Americans,
} usuallly their own parents, are prospering / have prospered from
} the monies gained by options a or b (see also: America vs. Columbia,
} America vs. Panama, America vs. Mexico, America vs. Canada, America vs.
} Japan, America vs. aboriginies, America vs. local ecology, etc etc).
} "So what if I knew my bus driving buddy was blind as a bat?  The bus
} company should've detected that in the interview and kicked the bum
} out before I got hit!  It's the company's fault -- I didn't intend to
} get hit by a bus, I was just crossing the street... and they should've
} put a crosswalk there anyways."
}
} Hey, it works.  Americans will prosper from executing these attacks
} today.  When their children grow up, they'll learn from their parents
} that jaywalking into traffic is how you make large gobs of money.
}
} You've got three options:
}   - campaign against jaywalking.  Try to institute education programs
}     so that people will know the dangers of jaywalking.  "The money you
}     make from the lawsuit isn't worth it."
}   - teach your own children, impress upon them that jaywalking is a
}     bad idea.
}   - propose at city hall that busses should have cowcatchers, so that
}     nobody hit by a bus will survive the experience to go to court.
}
} I think North Korea is working on that last option.  I strongly
} recommend you use one of the first two.
}
} You owe the Oracle a crash helmet.

--- 1298-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Where?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A little to the left....
}
} Down a bit ....
}
} There !
}
} Yes, that's perfect!
}
} Ahhhhhhhhh
}
} You owe The Oracle a bamboo back-scratcher.

--- 1298-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hurrah for the Oracle! He is wise and knows how to conjugate verbs in
> Finnish.
>
> Should I put it in a plain brown paper bag?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You could, and that would look pretty inconspicuous for a while, but
} then it would start to move and probably tear the bag, and then you've
} got a big lizard running around and nothing to carry it in. A burlap
} bag inside of a plain brown paper bag would probably work better.
}
} You owe the Oracle the address of your supermarket.

--- 1298-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How can I stop the global milk conspiracy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my reptillian friend.  I knew you would turn to me with this
} problem in the end.
}
} When the squeaky little things had fur instead of scales, I said
} "King Lizard, you should devour them all now."  You blew it off,
} saying "I'll take care of it later."
}
} When they started acting clever and colonized the seas and air,
} I said "You really need to take care of this."  You said "Listen,
} I'm on it, give me a break, I have to lie in the sun some more."
}
} When the upright less-furry ones discovered reliable contraception and
} at the same time started exploding across the world at an unprecedented
} rate, I told you "Hey...wakey wakey!"  And again, you ignored me.
}
} And NOW you're asking how to stop the global milk conspiracy?
}
} The only advice I can offer you at this point is to eat as many of
} their babies as possible.
}
} You owe the oracle an atavism.

--- 1298-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Oracle most wise, who knows the network like the back of his hand,
>
>  What happens to all the lost packets? Will they ever find their way
>  home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging--wait, sorry,
} that's sheep. Well, gentle supplicant, let's fire up the network
} monitor so you can see what's going on:
}
}       _______| |______| |______   ______
} source o                       ...       destination
}       -----------| |--------| |   ------
}
}       _______| |______| |______   ______
} source o      o                ...       destination
}       -----------| |--------| |   ------
}
}       _______| |______| |______   ______
} source o      o      o         ...       destination
}       -----------| |--------| |   ------
}
}       _______| |______| |______   ______
} source o      o      o      o  ...       destination
}       -----------| |--------| |   ------
}
}       _______| |______| |______   ______
} source o      o      o      o  ...       destination
}       -----------| |--------| |   ------
}                             ooo
}                             ooo
}                             ---
}                              o
}                             Bar
}
} They'll be home, but not until about 2.
}
} You owe the Oracle a virtual beer.