From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Nov 13 14:48:25 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id gADJL7O08253; Wed, 13 Nov 2002 14:21:07 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 13 Nov 2002 14:21:07 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200211131921.gADJL7O08253@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1291 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1291 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1291 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 13 Nov 2002 14:20:54 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1291 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1286 64 votes 3fng7 38pp3 2fqe7 19nr4 2dzb3 3adnf 25frf 3eqf6 6gre1 56rfb 1286 3.2 mean 3.1 3.3 3.1 3.4 3.0 3.6 3.8 3.1 2.8 3.3 --- 1291-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are cavemen always called Og or Thag? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Reginald, Cornelius! Kill Big-Tooth CAT! } } See, that just doesn't sound right. } } You owe the Oracle a baby book. --- 1291-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best way for me to finish writing my PhD dissertation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle suggests you use words. Dissertations done in mime } or in carved meat sculptures work even less well than one } might expect. } } You owe the Oracle a carved mime. --- 1291-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most epigrammatic and acrimonious, > > Why doesn't Eowyn keep her hussy hands OFF of Strider? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } With the choice of hobbits, elves and dwarves she had to hand, can you } blame the poor gal? } } You owe the Oracle a flagon of ale and Shire. --- 1291-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, > > Do cats tell jokes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } DO CATS TELL JOKES? } } Oh, just ALL THE TIME! } One of their greatest jokes on mankind is that they have gotten you to } make room in your house for cat boxes, which they will gladly fill up, } but sometimes ignore and do what I like to refer to as "Stinking } Outside the Box." } } The cats will also train a human to wave or toss toys around by showing } just enough interest to get the human on the right track and then they } sit around on their furry little haunches, racked with amusement as the } human continues to play with the toys they bought for the cat. } } I could go on, but I have to clean the cat box now and go to the store } for more catnip. } } You owe the Oracle a lovely dinner I can turn my nose up at. --- 1291-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle Most KatcheSter-like, > > How do voters differ from consumers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Consumers don't like recounts. } } You owe the Oracle a way to make people count their groceries --- 1291-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > Who ? Me ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. You. } } You owe the oracle a complete sentence. --- 1291-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest of Oracles, > > What is the best possible pizza topping? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, my God! It's my poodle! GET OFF OF FLUFFY NOW! } Bad best pizza! Bad! --- 1291-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest of Oracles, > > What's the best web-based game ever made? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } http://127.0.0.1/ --- 1291-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > How -does- one educate a buffalo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With fish, it's easy. They're in schools already. Buffalo } stay home, where they roam. With buffalo (actually you meant } to call them American Bison) what you need to do is to speak } to them until you are sure they herd. } } You owe the Oracle a nickel. --- 1291-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle who treats animals ethically, even w**dch***s, please > answer this hippie supplicant's plea: > > How much fun has to die to make a coat out of fun fur? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [An aerial shot of a secluded forest on the distant outskirts of some } unpopular city; zooming in to reveal, among the trees, an expansive } array of oblong cages, surrounded by fences of steel netting, gnawed } at by small furry rodents.] } } COMMENTARY: This is no ordinary fur farm. This is a fun farm. Here, } thousands upon thousands of fun-minks live out the whole of their } short lives in an unending state of childlike happiness, to ensure } that when they are killed, their skin will yield quality fun-fur to } supply the market needs of nerdish retro-fashion enthusiasts, } 'cybergoths', and cutesy pencil-case manufacturers everywhere. } } [Shot of a small, furry, flourescent green rodent riding past on a } plastic tricycle. Another such creature frolicks after it, taking } shots at it with a tiny water pistol.] } } COMMENTARY: Unfortunately for its owners and employees, this fun farm } is in danger of closing. Animal liberationists have made personal } threats against farm staff, and also committed numerous acts of } sabotage. } } [Shot of farm employee, scrubbing down the inside of a cage. We see } that the inner walls are patterned in garish shapes, and also bear a } notice reading "You don't have to be crazy to be reared here, but it } helps!!"] } } EMPLOYEE: They break in and try to leave stuff around so's to stop } the animals havin' fun, y'know. Like, we used to have one of them } rubber ball pools for the minks, y'know? Only they put nails in it } and, like, vinegar. } } COMMENTARY: The farm's proprietors ensure when it's time to slaughter } the fun-minks, they do so in a humane and, so far as possible, fun } way. } } [Shot of mink being tickled to death with a feather duster by a man } in Groucho-style glasses and false nose.] } } COMMENTARY: This method also ensures that the coat remains intact. } } Conservationists say that the biggest threat the fun farm poses is } that of what should happen if the animal liberationists ever succeed } in setting the fun-minks free. Their influence could spread quickly } throughout the forest, causing other creatures to start having fun } rather than killing and eating each other in the natural, mean- } spirited way, and spelling disaster for the food chain. } } Stay tuned for the second part of "FUN-MINKS: The Mirthful Menace," } after these messages.