From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jul 3 12:28:21 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g63Gvn127119; Wed, 3 Jul 2002 11:57:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 3 Jul 2002 11:57:49 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200207031657.g63Gvn127119@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1271 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1271 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1271 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 03 Jul 2002 11:57:36 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1271 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1266 57 votes 0cki7 8kfb3 1cli5 2lfg3 04hgk 14akm 24oj8 27nk5 19pf7 5dif6 1266 3.3 mean 3.4 2.7 3.2 2.9 3.9 4.0 3.5 3.3 3.3 3.1 --- 1271-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most profligate, most indeterminate, most supercilious, > grant to me, thy supplicant most obsequious, the answer to my question > most importunate: > > Why did Microsoft choose the colour blue for their Screen of Death? > Wouldn't black have been more appropriate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bill Gates: "Come on guys, we NEED to figure this out...and soon!" } Programmer 1: "You didn't hire me for being able to color coordinate" } Programmer 2: "There are over 256,000 colors to choose from" } Programmer 3: "Wow! I just found a fake plastic Amulet of Yendor!" } Programmer 1: "lets narrow it down to a color in the visible color } spectrum, OK?" } Bill Gates: "I fired my last programmer, want to know why? Because the } muave error screen is idiotic!" } Programmer 3: "Holy wowsers! I gained a level!" } Programmer 1: "So Infrared is out, right?" } Bill Gates: "It has been 2 years...the public can't wait forever for us } to release our OS, PICK A COLOR!" } Programmer 2: "How about we use a random number generator?" } Programmer 1: "Where do we get one of those?" } Programmer 3: "I have some d6's, lets roll them! Oh, this will be good } fun!" } Bill Gates: "Why Me?" } Programmer 3: "1...1...1...1...1...1...1...1..." } Bill Gates: "?" } Programmer 1: "What number base are we in again?" } Programmer 2: "That's 11111111...which is FF...so..." } Programmer 3: "ooooooh...How many experience points do I gain for this!" } Programmer 1: "#0000FF...that's...that's... ... ..." } All at Once: "BLUE!!!" } Bill Gates: "Gates to all teams...we begin production tomorrow...In } addition, please see that the 3 programmers in sector 3-g } are given a hearty farewell" } Radio: "Trap door into snake pit?" } Bill Gates: "Good enough." } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Nethack on a floppy. --- 1271-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You don't need to see his identification. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ The security guard shrugged and returned his attentions to } the sprinkle donut in his hand. The Oracle strides by, up } and onto the stage before the waiting Class of 2002. ] } } I can't tell you how I feel about being invited here to speak } before the graduating class of 2002, so instead I shall show } my deep seated thanks for the lovely Honorary Doctor of } Queueology award you all gave me early today by keeping this } speech a few minutes shorter than your attention spans. You } know, looking out at all your mortar board wearing heads } it flat out makes me think of why those hats are shaped that } way, hard-felt graduations indeed. But I digress. You will } find the world beyond the ivory guard towers of this campus } to be full of people that differ only from yourselves by the } fact that they are employed. Soon you'll be one of them. No } longer will belong to a frat, instead you'll own a cat. No } longer will you be a grad, you'll find you to your horror } you're a dad. No longer will you be the queen of the sock } hops, no, instead you'll be washing socks and downing hops } in massive quantities, on the sly, during the spin cycle. But, } wait! There's more. What you have learned during these, on } the average, 5.3 years will come in handy when you play trivia } games. Of that you can be sure. So go out there and get'm } them! Silly hats off to The Class of 2002! --- 1271-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where have you been all week? Why haven't you called me? You were > with HER weren't you? You told me you were going to leave her. > Remember, last Wednesday, when we were in bed and you said it was over > between you two and that as soon as the divorce was final, we could be > together for all eternity? You said you loved me, Orrie. > Orrie... I'm a week and a half late. I took a test but it was > inconclusive... I tried to tell you... I called your pager. I have a > doctors appointment tomorrow to find out for sure. If it turns out I'm > pregnant, I want to keep it. I know I'm pregnant... I can feel it. > Orrie, we can start a family. I know it will be hard at first, but it > will all work out. We can buy that house with the gnomes out front, > next to the park where you can play with little Xan/Xandria after a day > of zotting people. We can get a Range Rover and go to Costco on the > first Saturday of every month. It will be wonderful... > > I love you Orrie. Please call. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Having an Internet savvy cat that can type is a pain at times. --- 1271-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Big Bird's revenge. How can we prepare? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Anti Aircraft emplacements and Stinger missile armed troops around } the statues in your garden. --- 1271-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is 1 = 1 ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "1" what, supplicant? You'll need to be a lot more specific if you want } a reasonable answer. Here are some possibilities dredged up from WILD } OATS (Widely Infiltrated Library Decks of Oracular Archive Tape } Series). } } One with the Earth } One with the Sky } One with everything... } } One voice } One song } One volt } One ohm } One-point-twenty-one Gigawatts (use with caution) } One more for the road } One more minute } One second } One picosecond } One more Microsoft security hole } One more server freed from the Redmond Empire's grasp } One more tired old in-joke } One more ZOTted supplicant. } } You owe the Oracle one good reason why I should continue with } this thread. --- 1271-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Negi negi! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Drevvle drevvle! } } You owe the oracle a full translation of "War and Peace" in Gibberish. --- 1271-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it too late to learn to play the piano? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Goodness no! And thank heavens you're here. The piano } called in sick and the curtain rises in an hour. Here } are your lines, they mercifully short. In act four the } main character will tickle your ivories randomly as his } wife tells him he has lost his will and direction in } life. All you have to do is make random piano sounds. } DO NOT ham it up with 'Chopsticks' or the like, it's } suppose to be random to reflect his random nature, get } it? Other than that you just sit there looking grand. } } You owe the Oracle your autograph. --- 1271-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is the mayonaisse? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't look at it! It's dressing!! --- 1271-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise Oracle, a phun physics question for you. > > Today a co-worker of mine purchased some "yellow swirl cake" > from what passes as a cafeteria earlier today. However, said > cake looked suspiciously like mono-color chocolate cake. I > remarked that if one moved it at a sufficiently high velocity > (and away from us) that the cake would appear yellow. (I > calculated this velocity at approximately .26c, given a > wavelength for 'cake brown' at 450nm, and 'cake yellow' at > 570nm.) > > Of course, if one flung the cake at this speed, the cake would > no longer be in the building. So, the cake must oscillate. > > What would the necessary force to accelerate the 1/4 lb. of cake > in such a manner that the cake would become yellow in a distance > too small to be perceived by the naked eye? I realize that the > cake would still leave the building in this case, but since we > are talking of hypothetical cake flinging, a force that is the > exact opposite of the original force could be used once the > cake has reached .26c, to prevent it from leaving the building, > much less the plate it formerly rested. (The cake has since > been eaten.) > > Regards, > Your humble supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Class? } } Zadoc: Too much math for me, I'm out. } } Kendai: It's like a metaphor for fast food? } } Oracle: Maybe. But the message here is even more simple. } } Lisa: Even grown up scientists like to play with their food? } } Oracle: Bingo! --- 1271-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > After the shocking event where President GW Bush's cat > mauled Barbara Walters during that interview, will the > cat, Ernie, be put to sleep? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The bureau has already made an appointment with one of the country's } best taxidermists. He promises nobody will ever be able to tell the } difference. Maybe with the exception of her most observant viewers. } } Ernie, on the other hand, will go on as before.