From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Sep 27 18:38:21 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id SAA28171; Wed, 27 Sep 2000 18:05:24 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 18:05:24 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200009272305.SAA28171@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1183 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1183 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1183 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 18:05:24 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1183 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1178 67 votes 2aql8 2flib 5lsb2 37pn9 bfhf9 5emga 5asj5 3dije 3emk8 4iof6 1178 3.2 mean 3.3 3.3 2.8 3.4 2.9 3.2 3.1 3.4 3.2 3.0 --- 1183-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, ever powerful oracle, please help me, for I am in great despair. I > need to know... > > How do you milk a cow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With warm hands unless you hate your teeth. --- 1183-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Extraordinary Oracle, your admirable wisdom and prodigious wit never > fail to amaze me. > > Should I shack up with the widow woman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Honestly, I think you'd be better off hiring a contractor to erect your } shed. The widow, while she may be quite comely and certainly willing to } perform other services, doesn't have the upper body strength to make } her very capable in a construction setting. } } However, your local carpenters' union has asked me to tell you that } they'd love to have her come over and prepare lunch for them. You may } be able to get a discount if you can talk her into it. } } You owe the Oracle new bedsprings. The bricklayers have some strange } ways of taking their breaks... --- 1183-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You can make me watch Ally McBeal, > you can tell my girl what I lack, > but whatever you do, > just don't make me use a Mac. > > You can tie me up and tickle me, > you can whip me till my blood flows, > but whatever you do, > just don't make me run Windows. > > You can see if I scream when prodded with a hot poker, > you can see if I can box a kangaroo, > but whatever you do, > just don't make me install OS/2. > > You can force me to go clothes shopping, > you can see how well I stack bricks, > but whatever you do, > just don't take away my Linux. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Can I take away your poetic license? --- 1183-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mmmm, you're yummy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ Oracle slaps himself! ] } } SPLAT! } } Great, just what we need, talking mosquitoes. } } You owe the Oracle a soundless hand. --- 1183-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most profound, > > Wormholes are predicted by the current theories, yet if one existed, > any matter or signal that passes through would violate causality. This > humble supplicant's mind can't comprehend the implications. What would > be the result of a causality violation of the most serious kind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that couldn't happen, for the express reason that if it could, it } would have already. } } Look at it this way: } } You go through a wormhole that will open up in pre-WWII Germany. Your } mission, you think, is to kill Adolf, or at least persuade him to keep } painting, thus assuring millions of lives saved. Problem: if you do } this, WWII will never exist, thus making your mission unnecessary, and } therefore obsolete, ad infinitum. Solution: paradox, destruction of } the universe. } } Pity. It was so young, too. } } And that is the main problem with the "passive" approach to time } travel. You can't just go surfing the chronostream undercover, do your } duty, and then disappear back in the mists of time where you first } emerged, or at least not without risking the entire cosmos in the } process. No, if you're going to travel through time, you've got to do } what you came there to do, and then announce to the world afterwards } why you did it. Appear on talk shows, do the publicity circuit, and } basically become world famous. Then, when time travel is invented all } over again for the first time, people will know exactly what to do and } where, and will have the documentation that it was successful. And } causality is kept intact. } } Of course, that was supposedly the theory behind the man who is going } to be known / history has recorded as Jack the Ripper... } } You owe the Oracle a better case study. --- 1183-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Awe inspiring Oracle, Step-Parent of the Past and Father of the > Future, Uncle of the Here & Now, > > Why do we have to work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You don't. Collect your last paycheck on the way out this afternoon. } } You owe this incarnation of the Oracle an employee smart enough to } remember we monitor email. --- 1183-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are horses green? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because they can neither stomach the oppressive rhetoric of the } Republican right nor the sad lack of liberal idealism in the } just-left-of-center power base that runs the Democratic party. Oh, and } also because Ralph Nader smells like delicious turnips. } } You owe the Oracle a sack of oats. --- 1183-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > JURY SUMMONS > > You are summoned to attend as a juror at OLYMPUS DISTRICT COURT on > Monday, 2nd October 2000 at 9.15 a.m. for that day and for the rest of > the century. If you wish to be excused from attending, please contact > this office immediately. > > B. El Zee-Bub > DEPUTY REGISTRAR And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: Satan c/- B. El Zee-Bub } } This is a request for exclusion from jury duty on the grounds that I } have prior commitments involving the torture of millions of innocent } human souls. } } My human incarnation is commentating at the Sydney Olympics. } } Thanks in anticipation } } The Internet Oracle. --- 1183-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Tuneful, > > I have lost my script for "Jurrasic Park - The Musical", do you have a > copy ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Due to large demand for this musical, you are only receiving the last } page. For the complete version, please send a complete T-Rex skeleton } to the Oracle as soon as possible. } } Finale } } CUE LIGHTS: Blackout. } CUE LIGHTS: Cue spotlight on last T-Rex dinosaur } CUE MUSIC. } } T-Rex: } } Is this the real life } Is this just fantasy } Caught in a meteor shower } No escape from reality } Open your eyes } Look up to the skies and see } There's a rock coming, uh-oh we're doomed you see } Because we're easy come, easy go, } Mesozoic Era, no! } Anywhere the rock falls, doesn't really matter to me } I'm dead } } END --- 1183-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most effulgent and Machiavellian Oracle who is open to other's > ideas, wrong though they may be. > > Doesn't democracy with its buying of votes with promises by > politicians corrupt the populous? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why no, of course not! } } Voters are by far the most honest, upright, trustworthy and caring } individuals in the world. They deserve our deepest respect and } admiration....AND two chickens in every pot, two SUV's in every garage, } cheap gas to run them on, and as many free drugs as they can swallow! } } And I'd like to send a special thank-you out to all you voters who rate } oracularies, without whom this world would be a lifeless hunk of } unenlightened rock covered with green scum! These **SPECIAL** voters } deserve sinecures at good (what the hell..) excellent pay, beautiful } sexy partners, true happiness and eternal youth. } } And the one who will bring it to them is **ME**! } } *************** } ******THE****** } ****INTERNET*** } *****ORACLE**** } *************** } } So don't forget to vote Oracle.. } that's } O for Omniscient } R for Radiant } A for Adroit } C for Cornucopia } L for Lucrative } E for Euphoria } } I like Oracle! We like Oracle! Everybody likes Oracle! } Happy days are here again! Only happier! } } You don't owe the Oracle anything...really...just sit back and unplug. } You've earned it!