From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Sep 27 12:52:25 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id MAA02381; Mon, 27 Sep 1999 12:19:45 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 12:19:45 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199909271719.MAA02381@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1119 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1119 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1119 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 12:19:45 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1119 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1114 72 votes blhh6 3fgpd 26ss8 7ezd3 5hve5 19isg 5my83 5arn7 4bvh9 6lqf4 1114 3.1 mean 2.8 3.4 3.5 2.9 3.0 3.7 2.8 3.2 3.2 2.9 --- 1119-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > a slime mold And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'M SMALL ODE: } } An old elm is. A solid elm. } "So, a mild elm. Mad elm soil? Dam elm soil!" } Dismal mole. } } I Moslem lad. Me a old Slim. Lad Moe Slim. } } A slim model: "Me Siam Doll." (Dame is moll!) } "Laid Moslem?" said me moll. } "I'm sold male!" } "Load me, Slim!" } } "I sad, me moll. Me a old Slim. Me old Islam. I'm 'a do smell. } Also, me mild. Is an OLD elm." } "Am Dole, Slim?" } "I small dome. Aim do smell." } "Dam 'ole Slim!" } } Sam mild Leo. Sam 'I me doll: } "I'm Sam O'Dell. I'd same moll!" } As dime moll: "I'll do me Sam!" } Mild Sam: "Ole!!" } (I'll me so mad. Ammo I'd sell? I'll slam model!) } } Della is Mom. Dial Moslem. "Mail seldom?" } (I'll sod me Mom!) } Meal so mild. Mom slid ale. Ma old smile: } "Emma is doll. Am semi-doll. Islam Model. Am side moll?" Mom sell } aid. } } Mom led Lisa. I am sold elm! } } Lisa, mold me!! --- 1119-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most astronomically rhetorical, when will the next truly > spectacular comet approach the earth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I've proposed to the Russians that we shuttle Jerry Lewis up to the } Mir space station, and then induce in the station a slight eccentricity } of orbit sufficient to bring it within the decelerating force of } Earth's atmosphere to coincide with next year's Labor Day weekend. } The Mir cabin would be wired for sound and video, of course, and } the freakish sight of slapstick buffoonery mingled with heartfelt } pleas for "Jerry's Kids" as cabin temperatures approached the } burning point of human flesh would be truly spectacular. } } Hmm? "Comet," not "comic"? } } Well, never mind. } } You owe the Oracle a cure for muscular dystrophy. --- 1119-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "What's so funny about Peace, Love, and Understanding?" > > "Nothing. Your haircut, on the other hand..." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oooh oooh oooh this is one of those easy questions! Yay! I just went } through about seventy hard, excruciating questions requiring massive } amounts of thought, and finally I get a bit of a break. Relief, } too, since dinner is in half an hour and I don't want to get behind. } Anyway, now for your answer. } } *Ahem*. } } Nothing. Your haircut, on the other hand... } } You owe the Oracle for its services... er... um. Any suggestions? --- 1119-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, whose 300-mph fastball makes > Nolan Ryan wish to remove his own name from the > Hall of Fame, > > Does anybody really care about this year's home run race? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not really, no. But you can't blame the media for what seems like } a great deal of undue coverage of the McGwire-Sosa race this year. } The record-breaking frenzy last year left a big want in people's } hearts for even more records to be broken, and when you look at } all the records that have the potential of being broken this year, } it really kind of leaves you yawning. } } * Dusty Baker, manager of the San Francisco Giants, is 37 nose } scratches away from breaking the record for Most Nose Scratches During } a Regular Season (held by Tony LaRussa, 1074) } } * Jeff Blauser (SS, Chicago Cubs) is just 7 away from Most Consecutive } Strikeouts Followed Immediately By The Interjection "Shuckety-Dang!!!" } (Roger Maris, 121) } } * The Baltimore Orioles nearly broke the record for Number of Beers } Consumed By Team After Heartbreaking Loss with 174, needing only } two more beers to top the Mets' 17-1 loss to Pittsburgh on Sept. } 12, 1969. If they can keep Albert Belle from filling up on pretzels, } they just might break it before the end of the season. } } * Rick Ankiel, rookie pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, is on pace } to break the Most Major League Game Appearances for Someone Whose } Name Sounds Like a Part of the Leg (Jerry Pinkietoe, 18). } } * Assuming Garth Brooks is recalled to the San Diego Padres' roster } before the end of the season, he could break the record for Most } Major-League Games Played by a Famous Person Who Has No Business } Playing Baseball. This record is currently held by both Martin Lawrence } and Michael J. Fox, both with zero. } } With all this foolishness polluting what everyone was hoping to be } another record-breaking year in the major leagues, it's no wonder } they're fixating on McGwire-Sosa again this year. } } You owe the Oracle a Louisville Slugger and an overpriced cup of } warm beer. --- 1119-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the difference between a college freshman playing Nethack and a > barracuda swimming by a coral reef? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Five thousand dollars of tuition and books. } } You owe the Oracle a Student Loan. --- 1119-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, most feared man in the Caribbean. > > Where can I find some \/\/4R3Z? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant 'F' jumped for joy! } } Once again he had gotten yet another answer to his "wares" question. } He quickly printed it out and tacked it on the wall with all the } others. } } Yes! Oh yes! } } He stepped back and looked at them all, the zots, the funny replies, } the blank messages, the curt replies. He saved them all. } } Every wall in his apartment was now covered with them. Soon he'd have } to start taping them to the ceiling. Oh how grand that would be! } } No time to rest though. He had to send in the 'wares' question again } and sit, so quietly, with his lucky hat on and wait for another reply. } } It just didn't get any better than this. --- 1119-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Where will you live next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Due to cutbacks in the Olympian housing budget -- too many bloody } supplicants aren't sending in their tributes, and we don't get as } many offerings these days as we used to (largely because we're too } dignified to become televangelists) -- it looks like I'm going to } have to move in with one of the other deities. It's a bit hard to } decide whom, though ... } } Deity Roommate Advantage Disadvantage } -------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- } Zeus BMOC. Throws a lot of Has too many girlfriends } wild parties. (and occasional boyfriends). } House gets really noisy } during thunderstorms. } } Apollo Bright and cheery Gets up *way* too early. } disposition. } } Artemis Good hunting buddy. Gets royally pissed if } Doesn't mind pets. you walk in on her in the } bathroom. } } Poseidon Knows how to make really House smells of fish. } good sushi. Keeps cute Monopolizes the bathroom } nymphs around. all day. } } Hephaestus He's a hacker. He's a hacker. } } Bacchus Throws parties even Bloody fscking alcoholic. } wilder than Zeus's. } } As you can see, it's a pretty annoying decision to have to make. } } You owe the Oracle the housing classifieds for Sumeria. --- 1119-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderful and great Oracle, whose immense span of knowledge I can > only dream of in my puny and worthless existence, > > As you know, I don't drive, but I have been thinking for some time now > of maybe getting myself a motorbike. Is this a good idea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, what if some friend came up to you and said; } } As you know, I don't swim, but I have been thinking for some time } now of maybe getting myself some scuba gear. Is this a good idea? } } As you know, I don't drink, but I have been thinking for some time } now of maybe downing a gallon of whiskey. Is this a good idea? } } As you know, I'm a wimp, but I have been thinking for some time } now of maybe going into a biker bar. Is this a good idea? } } As you know, I don't, but I have been thinking for some time } now of maybe turning some tricks. Is this a good idea? } } As you know, I don't dance, but I have been thinking for some time } now of maybe getting myself on Soul Train. Is this a good idea? } } As you know, I don't know a joke from a hole in the ground, but I } have been thinking for some time now of maybe becoming an incarnation. } Is this a good idea? } } You owe the Oracle a cut further away from the bone. Ow. --- 1119-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most adventurous, you are at once both cagey & lively, > which is why you are so distinguished. > > Should I import arms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but only if you can get them second hand. New ones cost an arm } and a leg, so you'd be paying through the nose. } } You owe the Oracle a hand grenade. --- 1119-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm tired. What should i do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rotate every 10,000 miles.