From oracle-request Tue Jul 1 13:55:18 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id NAA15496; Tue, 1 Jul 1997 13:55:18 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 13:55:18 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199707011855.NAA15496@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #917 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 917 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #917 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 13:55:18 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 917 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 912 102 votes 1erxr 4pzv7 4qHja arkuf iJnc4 lEtb1 bouod cevlo 7eCpi 9frul 912 3.1 mean 3.7 3.1 3.0 3.1 2.4 2.3 3.0 3.3 3.3 3.4 --- 917-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle thou knowest all things of wit and wisdom and knowledge. > Please mighty oracel call upon thy great knowledge with wich thou > mayest tell me what shall be the third question that shall be posed on > my calculas final next semester. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I do know, but an all knowing Diety must also have some ethics. } } Be that as it may, I can be generous and offer some hints. } 1) It will not ask you to desribe the packet switching protocols of a } router. } 2) It will not ask you to compare and contract collectivism and free } enterprise in 19th century Poland. } 3) It will not ask you to demonstrate the power of Kenji in the } cultural fabric of China. } 4) It will not ask you to answer a question for the Internet Oracle. } 5) It will not ask you to create life in a test tube from stale water } and a spark coil. } I know this will help. } } You owe the Great and Powerful Oracle a hand calculated definite } integral in n-space of a complex trig function of your choice. --- 917-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most reliable, are you compatible with the MicroSoft Oracle '97 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } According to tech release MSOR45669-02, the Oracle is indeed compatible } with Microsoft Oracle '97. To be exact, MS Oracle '97 is compatible } with yours truly. } Please note the following: } MS Oracle '97 requires 24 mb of free memory to run. 32 recommended. } MS Oracle '97 requires 100 mb of disk space for the basic install. } Please note that the basic install can only answer "yes" or "no". } For the full version, you will need at least 250 mb of disk space. } Known incompatibilities: } -Systems without MMX have been known to crash when MS Oracle '97 is } asked a question containing the words "wood" or "chuck" } -Systems with MMX have been known to spontaneously combust. } -MS Oracle '97 currently is unable to handle questions containing the } following characters: !, @, #, $, %, ^, &, *, <, >, and e. } -MS Oracle '97 has been said to erase Linux or OS/2 if found on the } system. } } Microsoft tech support also recommends that you reinstall Oracle '97 } every other day. It is also recommended to reinstall Windows at least } once a week. } } What you can expect in the next version: } * Support for special characters } * Full integration with the operating system, the internet, and your } checkbook. } } For the moment, although MS Oracle '97 looks to be able to handle } regular Oracle questions, for stability reasons, you might as well } stick with the current Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a round-trip ticket to Redmond, WA. --- 917-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dancing on the lips of intimate strangers, shallow as the city, now > they're vivid like the sun. Blinding me with spirit... in the night, > my private soul can hear it. Calming as the hummingbirds; they were > only words. > > But what words were they? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'MAKE MONEY FAST!!!!', of course. } } You owe the Oracle all your maxed-out credit cards, and the } bill-collectors hounding you like you wouldn't believe. This email has } remained successfull due to the HONESTY and INTEGRITY of the } participants. --- 917-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why I awoke this morning looking like a member of the crew of Star > Trek. > > I am a professional boxer and the last thing that I remember is getting > in the ring and fighting two and half rounds against my opponent who I > seemed to be beating. > > The next thing I know, I'm wakening up in casualty with big pointy ears > > ! Not only that, I find that my fingers now make strange signs and > everytime I touch someone's shoulder they pass out. > > What's happening ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, well, supplicant, this one is easy to figure out if we dissect } the entire puzzle before you... } } Boxers are ferocious dogs -- everyone knows that. But sometimes, when } a ferocious dog is getting the upper hand on his opponent -- especially } those insidious little "yippie" dogs (poodles come to mind) -- they } will resort to new, undoglike, tactics... such as clubbing one with a } small cat. That is why you were out cold. } } As for the ears, well, they've been cropped. Sorry to be the one to } break this you. The bandages will come off in a few weeks. It was } also necessary to neuter you. Sorry. } } As for the "fingers" (how human!), that's where your nails were } clipped. The bandages will come off in a few days. And, it's not } touching someone's shoulder that's knocking them out: It's the doggie } breath. } } You owe the Oracle plommek soup with Milk Bone crackers. --- 917-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > why don't you give more answers in verse form? > Don't the Priests like poetry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The story, my dear supplicant } Is one of which you should take note. } The Priests you see do rave and rant } Over the question that you wrote. } } The Priests they have an arduous task } Compiling every little bit } Of questions that you mortals ask } Which mostly are all full of... nonsense. } } They cannot be expected then } To combat rhythm, rhyme and song } As well as well as "how" or "why" or "when" } and contemplations overlong. } } So there you are. You have at least } An answer to your question got. } And now, a message from the Priests } "Thank you for your interest..." *ZOT!* } } You owe the Oracle a 15 page dissertation on "How to Eat a Poem." --- 917-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle, burning bright, > Moving faster than even light, > Mightier than supermans tights, > ZOTing woodchucks left & right. > > Answer me this one, unique and clever, > Though I'm not worthy of your endeavor, > Your notice now will mean good weather; > In your quizzical debt I will be forever. > > I want to know something about the fights: > Why Don King's hair reaches new heights, > Why Mike Tyson continues to fight, > And why my girlfriend likes to bite. ( actually, I already know this > one *S* ) > Tell me this so I can be > Worthy of your scrutiny, > And be assurred immortality > By making an Oracularity. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, supplicant, make no slight } In the forests of the night. } Even O.J.'d feel my might } If he mentioned w**dch*cks left and right. } } Your question's neither unique nor clever. } Worthy of my effort? Never! } Yet my Oracular Oath binds me forever } 'Cause Lisa looks so cute in leather. } } So, you'd know about the fights? } King's hair has Minoxidol might, } And Tyson isn't very bright. } Lisa, likewise, likes to bite. } } I tell you, though you cannot be } Worthy of my dignity } Your question betrays vanity } And dubious morality. } } You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary. --- 917-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle, drained your queue. > Oracle, Oracle, boo-hoo-hoo. > Good questions are so hard to find. > No wonder I'm bored out of my mind. > > Can we just talk for a while and drop this whole question and answer > thing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, Supplicant, you're cringing in awe, } Supplicant, Supplicant, it's 'gainst natural law, } Good questions are indeed quite hard to find, } But if you don't stop that, you'll surely go blind. } } Can we just drop this? The answer is "no." } } You owe the Oracle another rhyming question. That was fun. --- 917-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So Kirsten Chevalier's become a Priest of the Internet Oracle, eh? > > What's she being punished for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For failing to grovel, of course. Remind you of anyone? --- 917-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: > > I'm concerned about my son. He hasn't called in months. And does he > ever come to visit? Nooooo. Oh sure, he has plenty of time to answer > questions about gophers, or something like that, and place whoopee > cushions on Zeus' throne on Mount Olympus, but he's apparently "too > busy" to write a note to his poor, neglected, grief-stricken old mum. > This "oracularity" business is no fit occupation for a grown omniscient > being anyway. He needs to settle down, take over a continent, have the > locals set up temples to them. Maybe then he'll do the right thing by > that girl, Lisa. If he's not careful, she'll run off with that skanky > chief priest of his, Zardoz. I've never trusted that snivelling toady. > > So, Oracle, what does this ungrateful, good-for-nothing, thoughtless > son of mine have to say for himself? > > An Anonymous Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc is not skanky. He is just misunderstood. All the toadyness, the } grovelling, is really just a front for the wonderful person underneath. } Mom, if you could just come to know him as I know him, the beauty that } is Zadoc would inspire you. } } Mom, Lisa left me. I know you told me she was trash when we you first } met her, and you were right. She ran off with a used car salesman } named Ahmed, who wears lots of gold chains and has a cigarette boat. } In the difficult times afterwards, Zadoc was always there for me. He } (sniff) helped me to see past the masculine "God" act, and taught me to } love myself for the person I am. I don't know what I would have done } if he wasn't here for me then. He showed me that I'm intelligent, } funny, good to be around, and doggone it, people like me! } } Anyway, we are going to move to a state where same-sex marriages are } legal. I'll send the address when I know where we will be. } } Love, } } Little Orie. } } You owe the Oracle an appearance on the next "I love my gay son" } edition of Opra Winfrey. But only if it's not exploitive. --- 917-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where did I put my thingy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look in your other pocket. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to never shake hands with him.