From oracle-request Thu Nov 30 09:02:15 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.39) id JAA17636; Thu, 30 Nov 1995 09:02:15 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 30 Nov 1995 09:02:15 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199511301402.JAA17636@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #798 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 798 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #798 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 30 Nov 1995 09:02:15 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 798 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 793 84 votes esiea 9bzp4 3uzb5 7inlf 5bntg bpz94 2dowd dbzh8 dkpk6 9nye4 793 3.0 mean 2.7 3.0 2.8 3.2 3.5 2.6 3.5 3.0 2.8 2.8 --- 798-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dear oracle thee who is wiser than daffy duck and more of a mover than > Madonna > > please tell me > > Which are your top ten movies of all time (with reasons if possible) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Duck and Cover (I just love that 50's stuff) } 2. Plan 9 from Outer Space (coming soon to a computer store near you) } 3. The Jetsons meet the Flintstones } 4. Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice } 5. Return to Gilligan's Island } 6. Deep Throat } 7. Mary Poppins } 8. The Tomato that Ate Cincinatti } 9. Forbidden Planet } } and.... } } 10. The Oracle does Dallas. } } You owe the Oracle Jay Leno. --- 798-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And, with a moment of pure bewilderment, the mighty Oracle spoke... } } Before I answer the question, I must remind you that not everyone has } the same type of monitor that I do. The ultra-fine resolution on my } monitor makes it appear nice and clear, but on normal or mortal } monitors, it just shows up as black space. My secret message decoder } is not for sale, either, so please don't write your message in } invisible code next time. } } The answer to the question is simple. Sure, it's possible. If you } were to accelerate that poor little kitten to that speed, then you } could possibly send it into a low earth orbit. However, a lot of } agencies (such as the ASPCA) and people (such as myself) don't approve } of such actions. I have several cats at home, and I love every last one } of them. We would insist that proper precautions would be taken. For } instance, providing the animal with proper equipment (such as a tiny } little space capsule with recovery equipment and a pressure suit) would } be a start. Second of all, a kitten's fragile body structure would } probably not survive such immense forces. It would become a crushed } and mangled mess in the bottom of your projectile's cargo bay. } } I suggest, as an alternative, to test this on things nobody likes } anyway. For instance, put an equivalent mass of Tofu or possibly even } those Olsen twins in your projectile (heck, if you can do it, throw in } the entire cast and crew of "Full House"). As for the method of } acceleration, I suggest you build your own rocket. The United States } government, in a massive cut down in in nuclear weapons, has a large } number of ICBMs left. Just remove the warhead, and you're off (make } sure the guidance is removed as well or else you'll and up somewhere } near Moscow). The booster should put your payload well into orbit. } } You owe the Oracle to report yourself to the ASPCA. --- 798-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Non-chip enamel, > Busom buddy through battle. > New! The army spork. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Multi-purpose tool, } Bayonet for your pistol. } Saves lots of money. } } As a postscriptum, } You owe me, the Oracle, } A Swiss army knife. --- 798-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, please explain to me: > why are haikus the most boring form of > so-called poetry in existance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That not good haiku. } Supplicant did not grovel. } But, still, I answer: } } English have meter } Japanese count syllables. } Learn Japanese, fool. --- 798-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why doesn't my wife have a penis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Not-So-Humble supplicant (where's my damn grovel? WELL?), the answer } is rather simple: } } She _does_. You're just not there to give it to her. --- 798-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Heh heh hehe. Hey, Oracle! Like since you, like, you know, like, lots > of things and stuff, could you, like, set my science teacher dude on > fire? Hehe heh heh. Fire! Fire! FIRE! Heh heh. That would be > cool. Heh heh. Like, uh, thanks a lot. You, like, don't suck too > bad. Heh heh. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the next exhibit: "homo non sapiens } beavi butthedus". Most known for the short primeval grunts it makes in } the middle of its speach, this semi-intelligent primate is most at home } in its natural habitat of aol.com. Natural historians are of mixed } opinions on the origin of the beavi butthedus. Some speculate that it } branched off from the homo sapiens line in the late 20th century, } noting that the aol.com domain in which it is most commonly found did } not exist before then. Others suggest that there were nascient } differences long before, but that it was not until they become } identifiable as a distinct group that they could properly be called a } seperate species. The beavi butthedus becomes extremely excited in the } presence of pictures of naked humans, which is puzzling considering } they seem to have a considerable lack of success mating. An unusual } species, I'm sure you'll agree. } } Now come this way. What you see here is the remains of a zotted } woodchuck... } } You owe the Oracle the remains of a zotted aol.com. --- 798-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > please tell me oh great one, > > On what day of the week was the world created? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, the earth was created on its own day, back when there where } eight days in a week (long before the Beatles came out with their } song). Here is the order that things in the Universe where created: } } Sunday - The Sun } Earthday - The Earth } Monday - The Moon } Tuesday - The number 2 } Wednesday - The Future } Thursday - Water } Friday - Hydrogenated oils } Saturday - Saturn and its rings } } You owe the Oracle dark matter. A lot of it. --- 798-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "All I wanna do" by Lisa } } "All I wanna do is answer you when you ask why," } Says the man next to me out of nowhere, apropos } Of nothing. He says his name is Orrie but I'm sure } He's root or biff, or an0 maybe. His .sig's plain ugly to me } And I wonder if he's ever given a real answer in his life. } } We are drinking beer at noon on Tuesday, } In a computer room on the Bloomington grounds } The good people of the world are posting questions } On their lunch break, askmes and tellmes } As best they can while the boss ain't in } They send their woodchucks and null q's } Into the queue for us to process } Well, they're nothing like Orrie and me. } } Chorus: } All I wanna do is answer you } When you ask questions, I'm not the only one } All I wanna do is tell you why } Until the sun burns out over indiana-dot-e-d-u } } I like a good askme early in the morning } And Orrie likes to zot the woodchucks } And the lemurs at dawn } Then he answers every question with an obscure reference } To the original repressed Kama Sutra he keeps under the bed } And he's watching the woodchucks as they wither away. } A spam question series enters the queue dangerously close } To one another. Orrie looks up from his terminal. } } Chorus } } Otherwise, the zots are ours, the terminals and woodchucks } And the lemurs, too, the .sigs and passwords, the priests and little } dogs. } } Chorus } - - - - - - } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. ) an } evening with Sheryl Crow. --- 798-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > test And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } fail --- 798-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The wind blows gently across the Mojave Desert. A tumbleweed's passage > causes little concern to the Jack Rabbit seated solitarily upon the > inconspicuous mound of dirt and cacti on the horizon. The mound has > long provided the rabbit a place from which to keep a wary eye out for > the many predators that live on the vast plain. > > Suddenly, the rabbit is alert. What was that strange vibration? Again > there is a disturbance from below. The rabbit, confused, quickly takes > flight. > > Slowly, the mound begins to rise, pivoting on it's westernmost edge. > Slowly, the mound yearns to greet the sky. > Slowly, slowly, slowly. With great labor, a hole is revealed, covered > by a large iron lid. A lid that has suddenly found need to open. > > Deep beneath the desert, a lone supplicant-to-be is straining against > a large lever. The lever is pumping hydraulic fluid to the lid, > causing it to rise. The lid was designed to protect the antenna array > beneath it and the sensitive electronics attached from such hazards as > natural disaster and nuclear war. The seal that the lid rests against > is equipped with an explosive package that can be detonated should the > lid become welded shut by the heat of a nuclear blast. Little power > remains in the storage batteries however to run a hydraulic pump, let > alone an electronic detonator. > > With the lid in its full open position, the supplicant turns a valve, > redirecting the flow of the hydraulic fluid. The handle moves easier > now as the antenna array weighs less than the iron lid. Soon, a small > cluster of technology is rudely disturbing the gentle flow of the > desert sky-line. > > The room is dark. Only the most necessary lighting illuminates the dim > room. The air grows stale. This shelter of shelters is equipped with > everything required to completely isolate it's occupants from the > outside world, but the supplies are running low. The supplicant has > been nervously watching the gauges and praying that he has held out > long enough. With the oxygen bottles empty, the food and water gone > and the batteries almost exhausted, the time has finally come. > > What has become of the world? Is anyone left? What evil has the > supplicant so effectively hidden himself from? > > The supplicant switches on his laptop computer. The spin-up motor on > the hard drive causes the lights to dim ever so slightly. A bead of > sweat runs down the supplicant's forehead. The email application is > running. > > "Wise and wonderful Oracle, whose knowledge of the silver screen far > outshines that of Siskel and Ebert, please tell me: > > Is the Brady Bunch Movie gone yet?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle understands your pain and concern. Surely it is a terrible } thing that this vile film was ever produced. } } Normally, I'd use the half-life of such a hazardous product to estimate } the quantity remaining and let you know when it's safe to emerge. } However, this is a special case. That movie has no half-life, for it } had no life to begin with. Hence, it is impossible to use that method. } } The easiest method, of course, is the Oracular binary-digital decision } generator. Let me find a coin... } } No, I would not advise coming out yet. Wait another few years -- you } don't want to be hit by a speeding particle of Bradon. } } You owe the Oracle a concrete wall six feet thick.