From oracle-request Tue Nov 15 16:23:34 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA20179; Tue, 15 Nov 1994 16:23:34 -0500 Date: Tue, 15 Nov 1994 16:23:34 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #691 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 691 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #691 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 15 Nov 1994 16:23:34 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 691 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 686 81 votes 8gjpd htp64 3luk7 9fpn9 5fto8 8khjh jmpc3 ajxa9 blAb2 7jwi5 686 2.9 mean 3.2 2.4 3.1 3.1 3.2 3.2 2.5 2.9 2.7 2.9 --- 691-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you get to heaven? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *I* get to heaven in my personal private flying saucer, piloted by } scantily clad french maids. How do *YOU* get to heaven? --- 691-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, please tell me why I procrastinate on my school work > until the very last minute. If I could only get it done ahead of time, > my life would be much less stressful. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, could I get back to you on this? I've got a paper due tomorrow. --- 691-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > {Sung like a Gregorian chant} > Oh Great-Magnificent-Prestiguous-OrrrAAAAcle > Whose circumfrance I am not worthy to calCULlaaate. > > Why does my life suck so badly, Oracle? What did I EVER do to deserve > this life!? Help me, please, Oracle... > > Have a Nice Day. :-) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } C'mon, Mom, I told you never to call me here; I'm trying to work. } [. . .] } } I'm sorry. I -know- I said I'd call last week, but I got swamped with } all these woodchuck questions and spent most of my waking hours } recharging the ZOT machine. By the time I got home at night, I was } tired and it was too late to call. } [. . .] } } No, of -course- I don't love them more than you, but I've gotta job to } do here. } [. . .] } } Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit, Mom? Your life doesn't } suck. I mean, you've got a working ethernet connection, and I send you } all the woodchuck steaks you can eat twice a week. What else do you } want from me? } [. . .] } } -Besides- a phone call, Mom. I already said I was sorry about that. I } promise I'll call you later this week -- woodchucks or no woodchucks -- } but I really gotta go now. } [. . .] } } Love you, too, Mom. Bye! --- 691-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the sky blue ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps your remember this old song from your childhood: } } "Tell me why" } } "Tell me why the stars do shine. } Tell me why the ivy twines. } Tell me why the skies are blue, } and I will tell you just why I love you." } } This is the answer: } } "Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine. } Anatropisms make ivy twine. } Reilly diffraction makes skies to blue. } Hormones and gonads, that's why I love you." } } You owe the Oracle a negotiated settlement to my most recent copyright- } infringement suit from the Estate of Isaac Asimov. --- 691-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most vigorous oracle, who mastered swordsplay long ago, tell me: > > Who really was Conan of Cimmeria? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Arnold Schwarzenegger. } } Hmmm, that's not very funny and you supplicants are always demanding } funnier and funnier stuff. Ok, how about these for a laugh.... } } Top 10 Causes of Friction in the } Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver Marriage } } 10. Language Barrier } 9. Forrest Sawyer Drops in at All Hours } 8. Puts Steroids in Mint Dish as Practical Joke } 7. Uncle Ted Always Wants to Arm Wrestle } 6. Thinks Jane Pauley is a "Fabulous Babe" } 5. Refuses to Learn Words to "Edelweiss" } 4. Muscle Magazines Leave No Room in Rack for Town & Country } 3. Uses "Bulking up" as Excuse to Eat Like a Pig } 2. Rose Always Wants to Arm Wrestle } 1. Body Oil on the Upholstery } } Arnold Schwarzenegger's Top 10 Rejected Movie Lines } } 10. "My, what a lovely lace doily!" } 9. "Oww! A papercut!" } 8. "Man-oh-man, do I love fudge!" } 7. "When I think about you, I touch myself." } 6. "Do you have any of those 'ouch-less' Band-Aids?" } 5. "Can you please open this jar of olives for me?" } 4. "Time to make the doughnuts, you bastard!" } 3. "Can you just let me keep my credit cards?" } 2. "Tell me, Oracle, tell me!" } 1. "Who else loves show tunes?" } } You owe the Oracle tickets to Terminator III. --- 691-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > must... find... dilithium... crystals... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try looking between the cushions of your sofa. --- 691-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TELL ME HOW TALL IS THE SMALLEST ANT? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let me look. Hmmm...... uh hum....Ah, I see! The smallest ant } is just tall enough where it's feet just *exactly* touch the ground. } Any shorter and it would have a real problem. } } You owe the Oracle another rubber tree plant. --- 691-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, > How would you define "spillmanesque"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ask Exxon. --- 691-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who knows more about weather than Willard Scott, > who always knows when to take out the umbrella, > who can accually tell the different between each snowflake. > > Oracle, I'm currently sitting in the middle of a small electrical > storm, and the question occured to me: What causes lightning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } God rubbing the universe on his head and sticking it to the wall. --- 691-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the most beautiful thing in the world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Me. } } You owe The Oracle a bit more benefit of the doubt in future.