From oracle-request Sat Mar 19 09:24:19 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA10925; Sat, 19 Mar 1994 09:24:19 -0500 Date: Sat, 19 Mar 1994 09:24:19 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #637 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 637 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #637 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 19 Mar 1994 09:24:19 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 637 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 632 63 votes 5eod7 8ilc4 nhf17 2fng7 26oeh 3coea 5fjj5 2aamj 4aho8 5ilc7 632 3.1 mean 3.0 2.8 2.2 3.2 3.6 3.3 3.1 3.7 3.3 3.0 --- 637-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Apathy. --- 637-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will she ever really come back to me? > > And will she be truthful and faithful then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, she won't. You shouldn't have thrown the stick over the cliff and } shouted "Fetch." --- 637-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty one, why has the quality of the Oracle's responses shown such > a down-turn? > > A. Supplicant, Rotherhide. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While normally the Mighty Oracle would zot you intooblivion for } daring to suggest quality control problems in the Oracle's } responses, the fact of the matter is (and keep this under your } hat, favoured supplicant, we don't want a panic) there have been } some problems. } You see, the Great Oracle got a little carried away with } the NAFTA treaty, and decided to contract out some work to a } Mexican firm who specialized in divinations and handbag } manufacture, which would ease up the Oracle's workday a bit. The } Net's been growing, you know. Unfortunately, the Oracle has now } learned (Yes, I'm omniscient, but things still sometimes slip My } mind) that the Mexican firm had hired not soothsayers, but those } damn infinite monkeys with their infinite typewriters, who were } answering supplicants essentially randomly. However, the company } failed to realise that no matter how low the per monkey salary } is, if you have infinite monkeys you also have an infinitly large } payroll (not to mention a need for infinite bananas), and they } have since gone bankrupt. } Service should return to normal shortly. } } You owe the Oracle a book on contract law and a good lawyer. --- 637-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to know where I can reach someone who would like to write > letters on email just for fun. How do I get in touch with them? > > Help And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey! I've had a great idea! What you should do is set up a kind of } 'writing co-operative'. You could have it so that email is anonymously } forwarded from one person to another, and then the answer is sent back. } Actually, that's such a good idea I think I'll do it myself... now... } what shall I call it? --- 637-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (One moment, I'll connect you...) } } We're sorry. Romeo is not available at this time. } } Press 1 if you'd like to speak with another member of Romeo's family. } } Press 2 if you're interested in a lucrative career in the field of } doomed romance. } } Press 3 to hear more about Romeo's upcoming special guest appearance on } 90210. } } If you are using a rotary phone, or can feel life's strength ebbing } from you, please hold the line and an operator will be with you anon. } } (You owe the Oracle a comma remover.) --- 637-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OhgreatandmagnificentOraclewhoalwaysobeysthepostedspeedlimitandyet > stillmanagestoarriveathisdestinationfiveminutesearly,whoneverwakes > uponthewrongsideofthebedorsuffersfrommorningbreath,whosewisdomshines > uponourfaceslikethelightofathousandlavalamps,pleasespareafractionof > yourvaluabletimetoanswerthisquestionforme: > > Whatdoesthatbiglongunmarkedkeyatthebottomofacomputerkeyboarddo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thatbiglongunmarkedkeyatthebottomofacomputerkeyboardisaspacebarand } withoutitwordstendtobemuchtoolong. --- 637-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle Research Unlimited } Progress Report #324562A } Monkeys and Typewriters Project } } We have had an infinite number of monkeys sitting at an } infinite number of typewriters for about a third of } eternity so far. While they have yet to produce anything } by Shakespeare (disregarding the near miss of 'Beavis and } Butthead of Verona'), we have achieved a small advance. } As is shown above, one of our subjects has managed to } generate an answer to "What does a tree sound like if it } falls in the forest and no one cares?" } } Also, in response to recent criticism, we have determined that } the number of monkeys is countably infinite, and not uncountable. } There is simply no way to diagonalize a monkey. } } We are running low on Monkey Chow and need extra funding to } get the Project (and the monkeys) through the fiscal year. } } The Monkey Team --- 637-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I decode the crypted jokes ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fvzcyr, fvyyl crefba. Lbh unir gb eha vg guebhtu EBG-13, juvpu vf } n fvzcyr fhofgvghgvba pvcure. Gurer ner sbhe erpbzzraqrq jnlf gb } qb guvf. } } 1) Fpna sbe gur zbfg pbzzba yrggref. Gurfr ner cebonoyl R, G naq } F. Fhofgvghgr gurz, naq ybbx sbe pbzzba jbeqf. Svyy va gur jbeqf } lbh guvax ner pbeerpg, naq fhofgvghgr gur nccebcevngr yrggref. } Ercrng. } } 2) Hfr gur sbyybjvat Ha*k furyy fpevcg: } ge n-m a-mn-z | ge N-M A-MN-Z } } 3) Guvax erny uneq nobhg guvf: } N=A O=B P=C, rgp. } } 4) Uvg va gur Bar Gehr Arjf Ernqre. } } Lbh bjr gur Benpyr gur zna cntr sbe ea(1) naq lbhe orfg } pbyyrpgvba bs rapelcgrq wbxrf. --- 637-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there more seeds in tomatoe or a cucumber? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh, that depends on the size of each vegetable in question. Hang on a } sec while I run out to the supermarket. } } [Fading foot steps heard on wooden floor. Door slams shut] } [Time lapse... 20 minutes] } [Door slams again.] } } Geez, you know how hard it is to buy just one of each of these things? } Okay, down to our test. [Pulls out Ginsu knife.] } } WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK *YOW!* } [Sucks index finger.] } Of all I do to keep these miserable supplicants pleased... } } WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK } } And now we count individual seeds from each of them... } 1...2...3...4...5... } [Another time lapse as counts every friggin' seed from each veggie] } [Total time lapse: 13 hours. Oracle sitting in darkened room save } for one flashlight] } } *phew* I've done it. There are ... ah ... um ... I thought I } took note of that number... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! } } You owe the Oracle a better way to spend his weekend. --- 637-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O temporal Oracle, whose asynchronous answers transcend time, please > tell me: > > How long must I wait? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is contemplating your question. } } Expect your answer in a millennium or two.