From oracle-request Tue Dec 17 16:07:50 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 17 Dec 91 16:07:50 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #385 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 385 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #385 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 17 Dec 91 16:07:50 -0500 *** Well, I'm back from Australia -- my greetings to all readers on that *** Lucky Continent. Christmas on the beach -- the only way to go! Many *** thanks to Joshua Poulson for taking over as editor while I was away. *** We seem to have the sendmail problems resolved for now that caused the *** duplicated lines before. And, here are the votes that have been *** absent from the last few issues. *** *** Happy Holidays to all, Steve Kinzler To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 385 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 375 25 votes b7412 2a751 28951 16972 145b4 039b2 05b45 07a26 2b750 47824 375 3.0 mean 2.0 2.7 2.8 3.1 3.5 3.5 3.4 3.3 2.6 2.8 376 19 votes 24562 16255 00955 02746 47530 33436 37720 16a20 16741 37720 376 3.0 mean 3.1 3.4 3.8 3.7 2.4 3.3 2.4 2.7 2.9 2.4 377 22 votes 35932 19372 37723 03784 70375 15772 137a1 25c30 03b62 56641 377 3.0 mean 2.8 3.0 2.8 3.6 3.1 3.2 3.3 2.7 3.3 2.5 378 20 votes 01397 13c31 16742 05951 38540 03962 04a51 12089 23762 03575 378 3.3 mean 4.1 3.0 3.0 3.1 2.5 3.3 3.2 4.1 3.2 3.7 379 15 votes 12642 33720 12921 06540 03255 13a10 33540 003a2 12561 17610 379 3.1 mean 3.3 2.5 3.0 2.9 3.8 2.7 2.7 3.9 3.3 2.5 380 20 votes 16373 12872 46820 05861 106c1 01b53 01775 15626 52382 14852 380 3.3 mean 3.3 3.3 2.4 3.2 3.6 3.5 3.8 3.3 3.0 3.2 --- 385-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > _______________________________________ > Well, Oracle ol' buddy, looks | | > like you've got yourself into | ___________________ | > quite a pickle. Or labyrinth, | Usenet ___ | _ | | | > as the case may be. Without | Oracle | | | | | |_| | | | > your all-seeing eyes, immac- | | | | | | |_____| | | > ulate wisdom, and your wrath | |_| | | | _____ | | > on high, no less. So watcha | | | _| | | ___| | | > gonna do now? Heh heh heh... | | | | _| | | _ | | > | | ___| _| |_| | | | > The Ascii Minotaur! | | | | | | _|_| .: QED | > | |___|___|_|________ ZAP! | > (___) | | > (o o) |_______________________________________| > \ / > O And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I guess I'm stuck looking for an idiotic solution. } ________________________________________ } | | } | ___________________ | } | Usenet ___ | _ | | | } | Oracle | | | | | |_| | | | } | . | | | | | |_____| | | } | . |_| | | | _____ | | } | . | | _| | | ___| | | } | . | | | _| | | _ | | } | . | ___| _| |_| | | | } | . | | | | | _|_| .: QED | } | . |___|___|_|________ ZAP! | } | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . | } |________________________________________| } } Ahhh..., much better. Now, where were we? Oh, } I believe I remember. ZAP! The Ascii Bill. } } _ /| Splthlt... } Ahckthph! \`o_@' } >(_)< } U Ptooey! } } You owe the Oracle a tougher challenge. --- 385-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whowhatwherewhenhowwhy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } LisathatcutethingshedoeswithherkneecapsthebackofmymotorcyclelastweekIdon } 'tknowhowshedoesitbutit'sFUN. } } You owe the Oracle some word spacing. --- 385-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, please enlighten me with an answer to > this question: Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are > near? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } v } m __ __ m v } / O \ } } What the hell is this? You idiot, they're not } following ME, /\o/\ they're following YOU! If } you want my advice, I'd find an umbrella. m } __ __ } You / O \ owe the oracle a copy of The Birds. } ___ } \____\_/_____ } `--(o)--' } / \ } ^ ^ } SPLAT! } } And the tab for dry-cleaning my cowl. Grrr... } } ZOT! | } | } | } | | } | | } |_ | } |(o) Yikes! } |/ \| } ^ ^ --- 385-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose MIGHT exceeds that of TRUMP in his > heyday, whose WISDOM exceeds that of the engineers of INTERNET, whose > BOOTS I am not worthy to LICK, please answer this question which has > weighed on me like a lead statue of Dolly Parton: > > When do you weigh more, with your eyes open or shut? Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am pleased. It appears that grovelling is coming back in style. } The answer to your question is rooted in the mystery of life. When your } eyes are open, reality is clear to you, and the weight of the world is } upon your shoulders. When your eyes are closed, your mind drifts into } the wonderful world of fantasy, where your spirit can fly to lands far } away on warm, soft breezes. } You owe the Oracle a marble statue of Galadriel. --- 385-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > Oh ye of great wisdom, charm, and straight teeth, may your beard grow > ever longer, please answer my humble question. > > Why is it that when you drop a piece of to > ************************************************************************ > HELP! I'm being held hostage in a ROM manufacturing plant in Santa > Clara, California. Please send HELP! > ************************************************************************ > ast it always lands with > the butter/jam/glue/honey-side down? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fascinating. By some strange quirk of cosmic fate, you have descibed } my current incarnation perfectly. The answer to the Toast Question is } well known: the toppings are more dense than the bread, and hence fall } faster, hitting the ground first. In fact, originally, a dropped } sandwich would turn inside-out before hitting the ground. After Zeus } had a few nasty incidents with peanut butter and honey sandwiches he } changed the rules around a bit. Zeus always used to burn his toast, } though, so he left it alone out of spite. } A bit of free advice: you shouldn't let the VLSI guys test new chips } in your computer. } } You owe the Oracle a tuna and jelly sandwich. --- 385-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh gracious Oracle, master of all minds and source of all Cheez Whiz, > answer my query: > > The other day I was walking to my economics class. I was quite late, > so I didn't bother to notice the very attractive piece of masonry that > was hurtling toward my head from an upward direction. Needless to say, > I don't remember much of the hours after the stone became acquainted > with my cranium. I do remember hearing one phrase over and over again > in my tortured dreams: "Giddyap Mister Broccoli". Since then I have > been haunted, wondering what that damn phrase might mean. I looked it > up in a dream dictionary, but all I found was an entry under "broccoli" > claiming that it signified "fear of Republicans". Can you help me solve > the mystery? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh foolish mortal, the Oracle hears your plea! } } You say that you heard the phrase "Giddyup Mister Broccoli" in your } tortured dreams, following a blow to the head. Obviously, you have } confused dreams and visions, thus looking in the wrong place for your } answer. Dreams are are sent to mortals by the gods, while visions well } up from the soul, or are induced by so-called inanimate objects. I } suggest you look at your soul... } Wait, I'll do it for you... } } Hmmm, small, rather, uh, dusty shall we say... } Let's see, "Broccoli"... } } Here we go... You have a deep and unquenchable desire to see a new } James Bond movie, and your soul (or subconcious) is imploring } the producer, Albert Broccoli, to get his "rear in gear". The phrasing } of this plea implies that you desire the movie to have a western } setting, indicating a desire to see Timothy Dalton in black leather } chaps. Naughty, naughty! } } You owe the Oracle a video copy of "babette's feast" --- 385-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most correct Oracle, > > the Dark One did indeed come and visit me last night in my dreams, much > as you promised. I woke up and the transformation had taken place. > However, I think I've changed my mind about this whole thing. What > should my course of action be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're just experiencing what we call post-transformation stress. } Relax. Think back to the conviction with which you made your decision } in the first place, and all of the trouble you went through to get } where you are. Your new, um, *parts* may seem shocking at first, but } in time you'll come to accept them as decorative, and even useful! } Enjoy! --- 385-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oh oh oh OOOOOOOhOOh OH OOORAACCLEEEEEEEE! When can we do it again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes, the answer all desire after that most beautiful act. The } reaching to the clouds. } } But we, the Oracle, say, Omni Animal es triste post coitum. We, the } AlKnowing also say, Our Latin is Rather Pathetic. } } But, my advice to you, Wilt Chaimberlin, is that you should let } everyone else have firsts before they start getting seconds from you. } } I predict that our paths will not again cross for at least the better } half of a century! } } Thus is the prediction of the Oracle prophesized. --- 385-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wise Oracle, to whom even the inscrutable is scrutable, why do > we still have an electoral college? Do these people ever graduate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, thow piddling, dribbling mortal. The answer to your query is so } obvious that even an American League umpire could see it. The NCAA has } several unwritten rules. Every one knows the red shirting rule, which } allows college players an additional year of eligability if they do not } play one year. There is also a rule that says that if the player is not } completely successfull, to the satisfaction of his constituents, he can } be voted to another year of play. If the player is extremely gifted, } their constituents will forever be unsatisfied, to ensure that he } remains on the college, and on their team, so to speak. } } You owe the Oracle box seat season tickets to the Senate, including } playoffs, or is it runoffs? --- 385-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most-wise, ye who hath little to do in today's market > economy except to ponder the very existence of money itself. Ye who > doth have more riches than even the Rockefeller's yea unto even the > million-fold as much. Bestoweth Upon Mine Humble Self Your Wisdom.... > > Should I divest now into money market funds, or should I sink all my > capital into certificates of deposit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Frankly, I think we'd all be better off if you'd just sink the Capitol. } } You owe the Oracle a $17 bill.