From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Feb 12 18:12:20 1990
Path: iuvax!kinzler
From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Usenet Oracularities #114
Message-ID: <35609@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 12 Feb 90 23:12:20 GMT
Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington

=== 114 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #114
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 12 Feb 90 23:12:20 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
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with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
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in the directory pub/oracle.  Let us know what you like!  Send your
ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
    100
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

--- 114-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I AM NEW TO COUNTRY. I GO TO DISCO. I DANCE. SOMEONE SHOUTS GET DOWN.
> I GET DOWN ON FLOOR. PEOPLE STEP ON ME. WHY.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's part of a new welcoming/initiation-to-our-culture tradition.  Other
} ones you might want to try are:
}
}    - Pin-the-tail-on-the-moving-train.
}    - The flaming Statue of liberty. (get a glass filled with any flam-
}      mable liquid.  Set it on fire and hold it upraised over your head.
}      Douse yourself in gasoline and wait for the fumes to catch.)
}    - Go to any sports game in New York City and stand outside the
}      stadium with a big sign saying     THE (insert name of home team
}      here) SUCK!!!!
}
} There are tons of these.  For a complete list, sell everything you own
} and send the money to me at:
}
} ORACLE
} Oracle Drive,
} Oracle, OC  00000
}
} You're welcome.

--- 114-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>                                    Blug?
>                               -Blug-
>                     -Blug-Blug-
>                   o
>                   o
>                o
>
>           ><{ `>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gone face-down in the wading pool again, eh?  Either grow gills or get
} up, buddy.  I haven't time for this semi-aquatic nonsense.
}
} You owe the Oracle a snorkel and a can of chlorine tablets.

--- 114-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle,
>
>     I always keep a pad and pen by my bed so if I ever think of a
> question for you while lying there, I can write it down and I won't
> forget it.  Do you approve of this or is it kinda pathetic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No it's quite good.  A lot of questions come up in bed.  Here's the top
} ten:
}
} 10)  What's a good cure for the common cold?
}  9)  What's the difference between socialism and communism?
}  8)  Why do I have to go to work so early in the morning?
}  7)  How did my ex-wife get the sheets so soft and why can't I do the
}      same?
}  6)  David Letterman isn't funny, is he?
}  5)  Where does Arsenio Hall shop for clothes?
}  4)  What color is the ceiling?
}  3)  Is George Bush a wimp?
}  2)  How did he/she learn these things?
}  1)  Are you in yet?
}
} You owe the oracle an answer to each question.

--- 114-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is wrong with the letter "k" on this keyboard.  It doesn't work at
> all.  Whenever I press it, nothing happens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...  Do you have the environment variable ACTIONKEYS on?  If it's not
} on, then when you press the letter "k", nothing will happen, but if it's
} on, you'll give birth every time you press the k key.
}
} You owe the Oracle your firstborn.

--- 114-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Give me all the information on Lisa, our net.sex.goddess, and send me an
> ASCII picture of her in the reply, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll try, but it won't be easy. Not with the way that the Pentagon
} is watching the Internet these days.
}
} Any way, here goes.
}
} Lisa was born in CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. She CENSORED her CENSORED
} and CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. In CENSORED CENSORED
} she CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED
} CENSORED.
}
} By the time CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED.
} Later that year CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED and CENSORED
} CENSORED CENSORED. CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED in CENSORED CENSORED
} upside-down CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. She CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED
} CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED.
}
} So you can see she has had an interesting life to date.
}
} To contact Lisa , just CLASSIFIED RESTRICTED CLASSIFIED, or you can
} CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED RESTRICTED CLASSIFIED.
}
} Finally, here is the ASCII picture:
}
}                          ******
}                         *      *
}  #####  ####### #     #  #####  ####### ######  ####### ######
} #     # #       ##    # #     # #     # #     # #       #     #
} #       #       # #   # #       #     # #     # #       #     #
} #       #####   #  #  #  #####  #     # ######  #####   #     #
} #       #       #   # #       # #     # #   #   #       #     #
} #     # #       #    ## #     # #     # #    #  #       #     #
}  #####  ####### #     #  #####  ####### #     # ####### ######
}                         ***     ***

--- 114-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Bloop me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What you have sent me is not, of course, a question.  Instead it is a
} coded form of Manuel Noriega's Swiss bank-account number.
}
} The Oracle is now fabulously wealthy.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing, nothing at all.
}
} Have a nice day.

--- 114-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The geek sitting next to me is staring at his computer screen and
> laughing uncontrolably.  He just sits there and laughs and I'm trying to
> do socially meaningful things, and look, there now he's choking, and
> he's stumbling around looking for help.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do.  He was reading the FBI
} transcript of your sex life.  That would make anyone die of laughter.
}
} You owe the Oracle a used condom.  See you in 20 years.

--- 114-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Does Neil get crosslegged?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm, interesting question.  As Armstrong was climbing off the Eagle back
} in '69, we heard him say, "A small step for -static- man, a giant step
} for mankind."
}
} My personal *Oracular* impression of what happened, has always been:
} Armstrong, climbing down stairs backwards, "A small step for <fumble,
} thump> Ow, f*** man, a giant step for Mankind." And NASA edited it for
} the public broadcast.
}
} However, we can ask Armstong himself and find out what actually
} happened.
}
} :<Ring, Ring, Ring, click>
}
} :Hello?
}
} :Is Neil Armstrong there please?
}
} :(heard in the distance) Honey, its for you.  <knck, knck, kcnk, kcnk>
} :Hello, may I help you?
}
} :Yes, it's the Usenet Oracle here.  I was wondering, what did you
} :really say on the moon?
}
} :(real agitated) You'll never <thump> ow, f*** man, my old knee
} :injury, know.  And I'll never tell.
}
} :Well, thanks for your time Mr Armstrong, I hope your leg gets better.
}
} :Goodbye.
}
}
} Well, it is my Oracular opinion that Neil will develop crossleggedness,
} knock knees, and other symptoms of an early knee injury, later in life.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new childhood hero.

--- 114-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle the Great,
> What is wrong with this program???????????
>
>       program appointment(input,indata,output);
>
>       [very long Pascal program omitted for posting -- SK]
>
>       end.
>
> Thanks, Oracle, I know you can find the answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Ah, you have come to the right place!  The oracle is an expert
} programmer.
}
}      Give me a minute....
}
}      [SOUND OF NUMEROUS ULTRA-RAPID KEYSTROKES...]
}
}      There.  Through various error-detection, editing, and debugging
} techniques, I have created a working version of your program.  A few
} commands were altered slightly, but the discrepancies should be almost
} unnoticable.
}
}      Here it is:
}
}             program appointment(input,indata,output);
}             begin
}                   writeln('You owe the Oracle $1.00');
}                   while(TRUE) do
}                         begin
}                         writeln('You owe the Oracle another $1.00')
}                         end;
}             end.

--- 114-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Big-O,
>
>      There are four of us living in my house.  Our names are Jeff,
> Kristin, Simon and Tim.  What would be a good answering machine message
> for us.  The ones we come up with are rather lame.
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Dear Jeff, The message you should leave runs as follows:
}
} Sound F/X: Loud music in the background.
} You:       Hello? (Shouted) HELLO? (Pause) I can't hear you. (Pause)
}          Wait a minute, I'll just go and turn the music down.
} Sound F/X: Walk away from the machine (wooden floor), turn music down.
}          Come back, Pick up phone.
} You:       Hello? (Pause, Imagine someone saying 'Hi, it's so-and-so')
}          Oh Hi, how are you. (Pause) Look, I'm sorry, but Kristin's
}          in the Bath, Simon and Tim are out, and I'm just a recording
}          So why don't you leave your message after the tone...