From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Oct 26 13:29:00 2003 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.60) with ESMTP id h9QIT0ZH020165; Sun, 26 Oct 2003 13:29:00 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id h9QIT08L020163; Sun, 26 Oct 2003 13:29:00 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 26 Oct 2003 13:29:00 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200310261829.h9QIT08L020163@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1341 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1341 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1341 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 26 Oct 2003 13:28:48 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1341 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1336 51 votes 4akd4 3edi3 6ddb8 16bhg 2fic4 1cie6 0bdj8 15pi2 65el5 69id5 1336 3.2 mean 3.1 3.1 3.0 3.8 3.0 3.2 3.5 3.3 3.3 3.0 --- 1341-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most spiffy Oracle, > You look different somehow. Did you do something with your hair? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Raleigh, North Carolina (TIO-News) Citizens of Raleigh } are resting easier now that the so called "Hair of Horror" } creature was brought down by a band of bad-ass barbers. } } "Wasn't right, having a thing like that roam the streets," } said barber Robert Briggs, age 22. } } Citizens had been forced to travel with blankets to throw } over themselves to shield their eyes from the sight of } so called Malformed Cranium Covering Creature. "It was } horrible, I averted by eyes in time, but my mule Shelly } she done seen it and wouldn't stop braying for nothing. } We had to put her down," said a near victim who wished to } remain anonymous. } } The barbers were able to track down the "Misshapen Head } of Dread" after suspicious residents notes that a web } site maintained by one Timothy Chew contained ominous } phrases such as "NCSU give him a degree to get him out } of our hair" and "The King of Raleigh, made him his hair". } Armed with these clues the courageous band of barbers was } able to track down, and corner the loathsome creature. } } "We burned up all the hair we cut off it," noted barber } Jacques Renault, "we didn't want it to hurt anyone else. } And danged if the smoke and fire it made wasn't horribly, } horribly catawampus as well. Very, very weird it was, no?" --- 1341-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who knows the unknowable and can extemporize with the > best of them. Why are mayonnaise packets so much bigger than ketchup > packets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A longer header, more framing bits, and the data is incompressible. } } You owe the Oracle a recipe for TCP/IP burgers. --- 1341-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh faithful Oracle to whom I now prey (as opposed to > pray): > > Is there a time for everything and a time for every > affair under the heavans? > > Is there a time to be born and a time to die? > > Is there a time to kill, and a time to heal, a time to > tear down, and a time to build? > > Is there a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time > to mourn, and a time to dance? > > __________________________________ > Do you Yahoo!? > The New Yahoo! Shopping - with improved product search And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yeah. But it's all been replaced by a time to } Yahoo?! --- 1341-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Recently my late father has taken to appearing in my dreams. Well, > not quite. His voice is there, but he's always in another room. I > don't get to see him. I cannot imagine why he would hide, as he was > always a rather handsome guy, even in his old age. > > Could you please tell him it's ok to show his face? Or at least > explain his problem to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not that he doesn't want to be seen by you, simply that he doesn't } really want to see you. I mean come on, can you blame him after the } shoddy "retirement" home you put him in?? } } I'm sure you'd both be much happier, if you just left the old guy } alone. --- 1341-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ... and so I was thinking we might trick the Orac... *cough* > > Oh! Hi Orrie! Erhm. Uh.... We were just talking about you! > We wouldn't normally impose (*chuckle*), but we were wondering... > could (*chuckle*) you, er, do that, uh, nifty thing with the > Staff of Zot for us. You would know what I mean... the, uhm, > er, "thing"... uh... like if someone asked the woodchuckcouldchuckwood > question? But on my teacher Mr. Bill? Just for kicks? Huh? > Wouldyacouldyawouldyacouldya please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sigh. Your groveling is pathetic. You cannot grovel and ask a favor at } the same time. I should ZOT you just for your poor etiquette. But, if } you desire to see a powerful ZOT in action, simply watch any of the } Highlander movies. After the "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" line with the } lightning strike, you will have seen a much better ZOT than I can } perform in mere text. Also, you will be filled with a pure hatred of } Christopher Lambert and a desire to end his life by the sword, which } will most likely result in another question to me pertaining to which } type of sword to use, whereas he is possibly immortal. } } You owe me a pirate costume complete with plastic sword. --- 1341-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Perfect Oracle, > > In response to my last question you said, > > } ZOT!!!!! > } > } I am not you cretan!!!! > > I knew I was a cretin but didn't realise I also came from the island of > Crete and was therefore a cretan too. What else don't I know about > myself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I was hoping you wouldn't ask that.. Well it's all to do with your } father - who is not really the man you call dad! } } Your mother was a heroic adventurer who loved to travel and see the } world. She had many exciting adventures - discovering lost cities, } finding impossible creatures and performing deeds beyond most peoples } imagining. One day she decided to discover the lost city of Atlantis. } After many months of research she thought that the city was not on an } island but on a sunken part of the coast of Crete . } } She traveled to Crete and her plan was to scuba dive around the entire } island looking for evidence. Crete is an island but not a very small } island. It was going to take many more months to investigate properly. } } Every day she entered the water with torch and metal detector. } Gradually the local wildlife became used to her and some seals would } follow her as she worked. One seal in particular - clappy - would play } with her when she was bored. Perhaps it was inevitable but Clappy the } seal and your mother fell in love and YOU are the result of their love. } } I'm sorry to break it to you but you are not only a cretan but you are } also half seal. This is why you have flippers, whiskers and smell of } fish. } } You owe the Oracle a book on genetics. --- 1341-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I don't know what to say. They all just walked out when I > began to speak. Should I have grovelled to them first? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Maybe, but I think wearing more than your underwear would have been a } better idea. You're supposed to picture the audience being naked, not } the other way around... --- 1341-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most splendiferous Oracle, please tell me... > > Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow! I've heard of people who can't walk and chew gum at the same time, } but that really takes the cake. I mean, most people don't need to think } about breathing, it happens automatically. You've obviously got a } catastrophic flaw in your parallel processors, preventing you from } thinking about more than one thing, which means you can think about } breathing, or something else. And if you think too much about other } things, I guess you'll run out of air and die! } } That's a terrible dilemma you've got. Have you considered taking your } brain pack to the manufacturer? Meanwhile, try not to think too much, } concentrate on breathing. And stay away from gum. } } You owe the Oracle a video of you trying to pat your head and rub your } stomach at the same time. --- 1341-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who has never had a bomb in his life, please tell me... > > I am trying to find the worst movie review from the last 12 months. > The worst and harshest I've found so far is for "Gigli". It was even > worse than "Stealing Harvard". Is "Gigli" really the bottom of the > barrel, or is there something even worse out there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc here. The Master's busy, so I'm answering a few questions for } him. Actually, I've never heard of this "Gigli" thing. Is it really } that bad? I'd better check. Back in a few hours. } } * * * } } Hi, Lisa here. Zadoc's in his room gibbering. Must have been that film } he was watching. You wanted to know about really bad film reviews? Hold } on, this will take some research. Later. } } * * * } } Hey, dude, Kendai here. Lisa's locked herself in her room and won't } come out till the big O gets back. She's moaning about some trash piece } of film. I guess that means I've got to answer this question. Biggest } bomb of the year? I think I'll take a look at that film, see if it's as } bad as Lisa and Z-boy make out. } } * * * } } Og here. Ken-dai in bath-room, Ken-dai no come out. Ken-dai say, } Ken-dai watch real bad mov-ing pict-ure. Og not know why pict-ure so } bad. Og go see. } } * * * } } Hello, Orrie here. I don't know what you've done to my in-jokes, but } Zadoc's whimpering like a dog, Lisa's won't come out of the shower, } Kendai's positively ill, and Og's hunting down Ben Affleck with a spiky } club. I can't say if there's a worse film than Gigli, but you've made } me afraid to look. } } You owe Zadoc, Lisa, Kendai and Og extensive therapy. --- 1341-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most supremely cost-effective and 153.9582% efficient being: What, > in fact, was the funniest joke in the world, so funny it killed people, > used to great military effect during the second world war? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE funniest joke in the world? The one with deadly humour? Are you } really sure you want me to tell you it, because you're certain to die } laughing? } } All right, I've got a copy of it somewhere... ah! Here it is... } } The funniest... hmm. The funniest joke... (ha ha!) ... The... the } fun... (hee hee!) funniest (ha ha ha!) joke (ha ha ha ha ha!) in the } world... (gasp! hee hee hee!) ... } } *thud* } }