From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sat Nov 1 15:52:33 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.12) id PAA16474; Sat, 1 Nov 1997 15:52:33 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 1 Nov 1997 15:52:33 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199711012052.PAA16474@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #955 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 955 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #955 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 1 Nov 1997 15:52:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 955 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 950 100 votes 6mMg8 7lqom 3dyF9 6cDqh 68vov fqxi8 kwwb5 5fBud 9vDd8 fqsgf 950 3.1 mean 3.0 3.3 3.4 3.4 3.7 2.8 2.5 3.3 2.8 2.9 --- 955-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Trick or treat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gah! *** ZOT!!! *** } } Oh ... sorry, kid. That was a nice woodchuck costume, though. } } You owe the Oracle a mop. --- 955-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great one of the greats, he who knows all and says it too, what the > hell bit me on the back of my leg? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } AP WIRE - 10/16/97 6:52 AM EST: } Doctors at the Johnny Walker Center for Workplace } Ailments have recently released research findings } that a new dilemma is currently facing workers } throughout the country. Numerous calls and } inquiries by employees and employers have lead } JWCWA doctors to believe that a new species of } arthropod is responsible for bites and lesions } found on workers housed in workspace cubicles. } The new species, Dilbertimus cubicus, inflicts } itself upon cubicle bound workers. Workers more } commonly call the new critter's infliction the } "cubicle crabs". No further information is } available at this time. Doctors warn that } unusually long durations of time spent in } cubicles will undoubtedly increase the number } of occurrences. One doctor was quoted, } "...we can only hope that workers will move } about more or at the very least, keep their } cubicle areas clean.." } } you owe the Oracle a Dogbert Halloween costume --- 955-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, > Who art in heaven > Hallowed by thy name > thy Lisa come, > thy will be done > here on earth as in heaven > etc. etc. > > Are you aware of the fact that pi is not: > 3.14159265358979323 > but infact is exactly equal to 3 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Short-circuited Supplicant, I've asked Benny to reply } to your query. } } Benny says: } ************* } Look, when us guys in the casting shop made up that } big bronze hot tub, we did the usual thing and put } a lip around the top rim, OK? That's why the 3:1 ratio, } and it's got nothin' to do with PI. I mean, you just } gotta stop reading things so literally. I mean, you } start building circles with a diameter of 1, but you } got only enough material for a circumference of 3, } you're makin' piston rings, you know what I'm saying? } A Perfect Circle, but not a perfect circle. Donuts } with a bite out. You got a gap, man. Discontinuity. } Incompletion. A failure of closure. You start } building glassware, usin' your figures, you got spilt } beer on the table. We can't have that, right? } We used ta have a guy made chariot wheels, got himself } all confused, just like you. Damn chariots were forever } goin' "thump-thump","thump-thump", ya know? } } Yo, nice talkin' ta ya. } } Your friend, Benny } ************* } } Well, there it is, Supplicant, directly from the source. } } You owe the Oracle 95.555% of a Hula Hoop --- 955-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, Orrie, this is your cousin Borrie, the Internet Boracle. I'll bet > you didn't expect me so close to Halloween. Did you know that I bought > a see-through ghost costume? I don't know what it looks like. I hope > I didn't waste my money. Last night we had peas for dinner. They were > good. Next week I'm going shopping for Xmas. I bet I'll run out of > money like I did last year. My hand turns grey if I hold it up in the > air too long. Trenton is the Capital of New Jersey. I would be so > bored if I had to sit around all day and listen to myself. Thank > goodness I have you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, hello, Cousin Boracle. Welcome to the family reunion. } } You're one of the first ones here. As you can see, Snoracle is over } there, sleeping the corner, and Sporacle is around here } somewhere--watch where you step; you may get athlete's foot. Hee hee! } That Sporacle! Always a kidder. } } Anyway, we can talk later--I'd hate to steal you away from the other } guests. Here, let me introduce you to our distant cousin Manacle. He } wants to shake your hand. (*click*) Oh! Looks like we're getting low } on punch. . .I'd better go get that filled? Say, could you be a dear } and greet any new guests? You can keep entertaining Manacle for a } while, too. Thanks. You're a real pal. Anyway, I'm expecting Waracle } any minute now. . .if he's a little violent, well, try to calm him } down, you know how he gets when he can't find his wife Whoracle. . } .I'll be right back. . . } } Hee hee! } ---------------- } } You owe the Oracle a family reunion with an even happier ending. --- 955-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, Sir, > > I'm doing a school project on the Elizabethan period and I was > wondering, could you tell me some points of interest that are 'must > have' facts for my report? > > Yours, > Sherman And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Sherman, step into the Wayback machine... } } Oops, I forgot; Zadoc made off with it. Okay, how about the 3D-BB? } No, I loaned that to the POV-Ray folks. Atavachron's broken; I can't } find the TARDIS... Oh well, I'll just have to tell you. } } Men wore hose and garters, and proudly displayed their genitalia by } wearing "codpieces", which were often padded or stuffed (except for } the Spanish, who for some reason preferred small codpieces). Their } breeches were often so large that they could put tablecloths, } candlesticks, pistols, and other large objects in them. Women } wore corsets to give them the figures of twelve-year-old boys. } "Nice" women didn't wear underwear, but prostitutes did. Dennis } Rodman, therefore, would not have been viewed as a freak. Mary, } Queen of Scots, was *not* Elizabeth's sister -- "Bloody Mary" was. } Both were beheaded. Women were not allowed to act; boys or young } men played female parts on the stage. And kissed the men. } Elizabethans were fond of fart jokes; Beavis and Butthead would } have been considered comic geniuses. Syphilis was a sign of social } status; some people even wore fake sores to make it look like they } were infected. People spelled words however they thought they } sounded, and would even spell the same word three different ways } in the same sentence; a single sentence could take up an entire } printed page (if the Internet had existed then, there would have } been no such thing as a "spelling flame" or "grammar flame"). } Elizabethans thought potatoes were horrible, because they tried } to eat the greens rather than the roots. They brushed their teeth } with sugar and honey. They had pencils, but since rubber hadn't } been invented yet, erased their lines with bread. To guard their } noses against the foul odours of peasants, Elizabethan ladies made } "pomanders" or "sweet bags" with substances as varied as weasel } squeezings and whale snot. } } And the worst part of it is, I'm not making any of this up. } } Well, except that part about Rodman not being a freak. } } An thou wouldst pay thy tribute to the Oracle, then pull thou the } Oracles Ffingre, (& thou shalt receeve a Surprize for thyne Efforts). --- 955-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who I have failed to visit in such a long time i may have > forgotten your email address... > > Why does the world revolve around Microsoft? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because Microsoft provides superior technology at the best value, and } has an excellent understanding of the needs of its customers. Thank } you for consulting The Microsoft Oracle 98. } } Boy, it has been a while, hasn't it? --- 955-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tar zcfv oracle.tar.gz oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, no. Feather is spelt f-e-a-t-h-e-r. Wait a second. "Tar and } feather The Oracle." } I didn't do anything to you, sure, the Medicine was snake oil. You } didn't have to buy it. Put that rope down. Come on, Zadoc, time to } hit the road! --- 955-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful oracle please tell me does intellegent life > exist anywhere on earth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, both elegant and inelegant life exists on earth. The form that } dominates at any given time depends upon the party in power. We could } always use more spell checkers though. } } You owe the Oracle a trip through the dictionary. --- 955-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most poetic, what is a sonnet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A sonnet is a poem that you say; } The meter is iambic and it rhymes-- } I composed you a sonnet now today, } Like all good sonnets, length of fourteen lines. } } I tell you these things for I know they're true; } The Oracle knows all things, you should know... } This poem is much more than you could do, } Dear Supplicant it's time for you to go. } } For I've answered your question clear and plain, } I hope that you will carry on this fad-- } For woodch*ck questions you were not insane; } And this has made me quite exceeding glad. } } You owe the Oracle four engineers } To model for the world orange brassieres. --- 955-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wise and Omniscient Oracle, who has a personal acquaintance with > Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, tell me please: Ever since I was a > very little boy I have always wanted to get a beautiful yellow dress > for Christmas, will it ever come? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, and it's REALLY going to change your opinion of Uncle Carl. } } You owe the Oracle a mention on whatever daytime talk show you appear } on.