From oracle-request Sat Aug 3 10:55:04 1996 Received: by gummy.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.60) id KAA04061; Sat, 3 Aug 1996 10:55:04 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 10:55:04 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199608031555.KAA04061@gummy.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: gummy.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #850 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 850 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #850 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 10:55:04 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 850 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 845 108 votes hovu6 2eDun 9qqti amCsa bnEoa 7hNob 7rwtd 8uMl1 7rwuc 5dIB9 845 3.1 mean 2.9 3.5 3.2 3.1 3.0 3.1 3.1 2.8 3.1 3.3 --- 850-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I would like to get into ham radio. > I've got an pair of car stereo speakers, and a telephone > handset, and an old rabbit-ear antenna, and a 6 pound ham. > Is there anything else I need? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Finally a question that plumbs the depths of my knowledge! } } Ambitious supplicant, } You seem to have gathered the essentials. Keep in mind that the } type of ham you use will affect the areas you can reach. A Virginia } ham will only allow access to Kansas, for obvious reasons. Under } no circumstances, with your setup will you be able to reach Israel. } } You owe the Oracle 100 pounds of Kosher bacon bits. --- 850-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, hey! You've changed addresses! Now, all your messages > are coming from gummy.cs.indiana.edu, instead of > moose.cs.indiana.edu. What prompted this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle answers: } } Very observant... most people are babbling so much about } woodchucks and such that they miss the find points. } } The answer is easy, U.S. Postal regulations caused split } in certain zones . . . we were affected. } } By the by, watch out, next year E-mail stamps are going up... --- 850-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I have to come out and ask my question? You're > omniscient, so you already know what the question is. > You could just answer it, without waiting for me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So! Here we have another one of you pathetic freeloaders who expect } everything just handed to you on a plate. Couldn't even be bothered to } grovel, I see. Typical. Still I suppose I have to help you, poor } suffering mortal that you are... } } Here are the answers to all the questions you will ask for the } remainder of your life. } } -- } 2 August } } I'm afraid that it probrably is contagious. However, visiting him is } the only way that you can be assured of recieving your share of the } inheritance. If you don't visit him, the entire fortune will go to } your revolting cousin, Max. } --- } 8 August } } The cure for Boxienelli's Syndrome will be discovered in June, 2004 by } Azzx`mdi Mod-izxi`q. Azz had spent many years of his life building up } to this discovery, using a special breed of lab rats for his } experiments. The cure would have been discovered much earlier were it } not for the efforts of animal rights protesters who prevented him from } carring out the experiments on cockroaches necessary to perfecting the } cure. } --- } 19 August } } Yes, I'm afraid that it will be quite painful, but you'll just have to } put up with that. As for your will, I suggest that as you can't take } it with you, you could leave the loot back to your cousin. After all, } kissing the old codger was probrably a bad idea in the first place. } --- } } You owe the Oracle the question of life, the universe, and everything. --- 850-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and most puissant Oracle, whose dandruff I am unworthy to have > fall upon me, > > Why are some Olympic events scored on a scale of 10, and others on a > scale of 6? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Originally all the events were judged on a scale of 10. However, } this wasn't an official rule, it was just the traditional way scoring } was done. } Eventually the various standards organizations decided to simplify the } scoring in the same manner that they simplified UNIX standards. } OSF decided on a sliding scale, with the top score equaling the } average age of the competitors multiplied by .41. XOPEN disagreed and } insisted the scoring should be binary with everyone getting a 1 for } each required element performed well and 0 if it was not done well. } Thus a gymnast may get 11011110 if she missed two elements. POSIX felt } we would all get along better if everyone received the same score. } Meanwhile, corporate sponser IBM lobbied for scores that were bigger } than anyone felt we had a need for. } Eventually the ruling board for each sport picked a standard. } Tragically, sports that picked a bad standard faded away. Thus, } firewalking and tomahawk throwing are no longer olympic sports. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Lavina Milosovic. --- 850-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, please tell me how much wood would a wood chuck > chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At last! I've been waiting eons for a supplicant to get this } question right. Usually, they mangle it terribly, and it ends } up referring to those horrid little animals. But you are } obviously a carpenter, and you know what's what. } } Unfortunately, my Priests are not carpenters, so they don't } know what you're talking about. Folks, if you look at a lathe, } you'll see a sort of cylindrical clamp, which holds the wood in } place. That's the chuck. A drill has a similar arrangement } (also called a chuck) for holding the drill bit, and in order } to distinguish between them, the one on the lathe is called a } wood chuck. } } Now on to your question. If used improperly, a wood chuck can } indeed chuck wood. The amount varies according to the size of } the lathe - a small one used by hobbyists would only be able } to chuck about a kilogram, whereas a big industrial model could } hurl up to 35 kilos. Don't get in the way of that baby! Your } own lathe, which is probably of the most interest to you, could } throw as much as 12.7 kilos at a go. } } For the record, I should mention that a wood chuck will only } be able to chuck the wood if it is not tightened securely, or } if the wood is off-center. It is a tribute to your skill as a } carpenter that you have never seen a wood chuck chuck wood. } } You owe the Oracle a nice matched set of unchucked wooden } candlesticks. --- 850-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > subscribe And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You need to provide a lot more information than that before you have } a viable offer. What is my choice of magazines? Prices? Method of } payment? How long will it take for my subscriptions to be processed? } Is there a money-back guarantee if I'm not completely satisfied? } Do the proceeds benefit some charity or other worthy non-profit } organization? Do you enter me in a sweepstakes if I subscribe? } What if I don't? Is there a maximum number of subscriptions I can } order? Where can I get a copy of your company's financial statements } and credit references? } } You owe the Oracle a good hard look at the Oracular help file. --- 850-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle so wise, please inform - > > There's this little black button on the front of this computer. It's > just below the power button, just to the up and left of the headphone > hole, just to the up and right of the microphone hole, and some way to > the right of all the pretty coloured lights. I can't press it because > it's one of those buttons that needs a ball point pen to press it, and > I don't have one. > > What does it do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The little black button? Oh, that is the Black Hole Overload Memory } Button (BHOMB). Little known to most computer users, a mini black } hole resides at the heart of every computer. Its sole purpose is to } mysteriously gobble up that 100-page sales proposal that you've been } laboring on for the past six months. Every so often, the mini black } hole--which does not have as big an appetite as its interstellar } cousins--must be emptied lest it become bloated or develop a terrible } case of indigestion. Let me assure you, a black hole with } indigestion or heartburn is NOT a pretty sight! Since you obviously } have a multimedia system, you must have noticed a full-audio, 16-bit } sucking sound occurring every so often, usually accompanied by data } loss and bizarre system messages, such as "Error: Error Encountered } During Error Processing." This is your special little friend, hard at } work. } } So you must be asking yourself: "If it must be purged every so often, } then must there not be a way to restore that file containing Mom's } recipe for woodchuck with bearnaise sauce and asparagus tips, right?" } Wrong, you silly mortal! Access to the black hole is controlled by a } special driver: lbh ("little black hole"). The lbh driver is } really nothing more than a specially designed version of the driver } for the null file, otherwise known as the bit bucket. Whatever goes } into a null file is irretrievably mangled and smooshed, the basic } working principle of Mr. Quayle's brain. } } So why does your computer have such a seemingly ridiculous device? } Because its specification was mandated by ANSI in 1985 and is } officially published as LBH00.0312-1985. Various lobby groups, most } notably the American Association for Electronic and Computer } Engineers fought for inclusion of this specification as a guarantee } that there would always be a need for technical support personnel } whose sole job is charge customers through the nose for technical } assistance on how to hose up their systems, and then recommend } product upgrades that the customers really don't need and will never } know how to use properly. } } So just relax and learn to live with it. You can't avoid it. Be } sure to back up your files daily, although there's no real guarantee } that that little critter in your PC won't go out for a stroll some } day and suck up your backups as well. Don't bother with safe deposit } boxes, he knows how to pick locks. Actually...he'll probably just } eat the lock as an appetizer. } } You owe the Oracle the complete biography of Stepen Hawking and a } 200-page report on quantum graviational field theory. --- 850-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > yo, wise Oracle person type thing, > Am I Satan? And if so, hOW...YOU WILL IGNORE THIS MESSAGE. THIS > BODY IS MINE NOW. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A DEMON } (or, You Might be Satan If...) } } - Small animals burst into flame when you pet them. } } - Your fondest childhood memories are of large rodents and } sledgehammers. } } - All life ceases to exist within a 10 mile radius whenever } you sneeze. } } - You can't go out with anyone because your date is always } put off by the packs of scavenging animals following } you everywhere. } } - People at haunted houses are scared of _you_. } } - Your mother constantly refers to you as her "hellspawn." } } You owe the Oracle a brand new car... type... thing. --- 850-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I convert to Judaism to marry my girlfriend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Strictly, it's not necessary. Your kids will be Jewish anyway. The } question is, do you want to LOOK Jewish. If you haven't had it cut } off yet, it'll have to go. I recommend you visit your rabbi NOW. He } will explain everything to you, including your bris. } } Here are several reasons NOT to convert: } } 1. You are happily a Christian. } } 2. You are happily an atheist. } } 3. You don't care about religion. } } 4. Who needs 5000 years of retroactive persecution? } } 5. You already believe in The Internet Oracle. } } 6. You can't stand the thought of gefilte fish. } } 7. Your father is in the KKK and would have apoplexy under his hood. } } 8. Your mother makes excellent chicken soup already, and there's } something she's never told you. } } There are dozens more reasons. Your rabbi will tell you all of them. } } You owe the Oracle your promise to show this Oracular answer to your } rabbi. --- 850-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Good evening, my name is Lucas, and I'll be your Supplicant tonight. > Before you answer, let me tell you about our specials. > > First, we have a meaning-of-life tonight, very profound, comes with > a fine grovel and your choice of beverage. If you're looking for > something lighter, we have our Geek Special, how can I get a date, > excellent with our house whine. If you're in the mood for something > unusual, there's the Chef's Surprise. Fresh punctuation on a bed of > gibberish, in a cheesy sauce, definitely exotic and > out-of-the-ordinary. And as always, Sir, we have our Specialty of the > House, the Woodchuck question, fried, grilled or blackened to order, > comes with a side of Spam. > > Are you ready to answer, or do you need a few more minutes to decide? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How about spam, spam, spam, blackened woodchuck, spam, spam, spam and } spam? I'd also like a nice bottle of the house whine, please.