From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jan 15 19:53:59 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #100 Message-ID: <33130@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 16 Jan 90 00:53:59 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 100 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #100 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 16 Jan 90 00:53:59 GMT *** Starting with this, the 100th edition of the Usenet Oracularities, *** we're asking our faithful readers (and the not-so faithful ones, too) *** to help us rate the Oracularities. As you read an Oracularities *** posting like this, jot down a rating from 1 (not funny) to 5 (very *** funny) for each of the ten Oracularities. Then mail your votes to *** oracle-vote on iuvax. This can probably be done with a mail reply to *** this article. Make sure you're not following-up to a newsgroup, but *** sending the mail to oracle-vote. The mail should contain the edition *** number of the Oracularities on one line and your 10 ratings space- *** seperated on another. Eg: *** 100 *** 2 4 3 1 1 4 3 5 3 3 *** We'll use your votes to learn what our readers find funniest and to *** compile the most popular Oracularities for regular submissions to *** rec.humor.funny. Your help would be greatly appreciated! To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 100-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you win at Tetris? No, no, I mean: How can I win at Tetris? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TETRIS!!!!!!!!! You are asking me a question about a computer game! } You think I have time for silly questions like this one. There's a } woman in Peoria who's having problems with the bunion on her left big } toe, in Alli-alli-akbar-zpwing-shimmy-skboom, there's a new religion } forming and there leader is asking me to be the Pope, besides that } there's an endless series of yearning masses out there looking to ME for } advice, and assistance in their puny lives. And you ask me how to win } at TETRIS. Get real, I got better things to do. } } But, if you must know, try to drop the pieces into the holes they fit. } } You owe the Oracle a can of bunion cream, a Papal robe, a cattle prod, } and a net access to Xtank. --- 100-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wondrous oracle answer me this: > > Why is the English word for mispronunciation (cacoepy) impossible to > pronounce? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's yet another one of those self-descriptive words, like "short" (a } short word), "recherche", "awkwardnessfull", and "hydrogenated". --- 100-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > >> How much wood could a wombat chuck, if a womabt could chuck wood? > > > >} Omega password accepted. > >} > >} What would you like to change, O Lord? > > PARAMETER CHANGE 445871-NEC/78 EQUIVALENCE "Panty" > SUBSTITUTE GLOBAL/FILE=*.DAT "Why?" "Harold" > > IMPLEMENT CHANGES AND SAVE DELETE ALL BACKUPS. > DE-LOCK ACCESS CODES ALL EXCEPT OMEGA CLASS And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you touch the keyboard, sparks leap up and sear your fingers. You } scream and turn to flee the room, but the Giant Latvian Death Squid is } already filling the doorway with its tentacles... --- 100-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now my apartment is full of lice and ice and flat flounders writing on > the walls and bags of frozen blueberries crying for home and comfort and > bed and dozens and dozens of little squirrrles all looking at me and > saying "catacomb catacomb catacomb" at me in unison. And there is a > great big pear in one corner reading the New York Times. And there is a > great big orange in the other corner trying to figure out how to play > the bassoon without a mouth. And I haven't even mentioned the toasters, > but I won't because it said it would turn all the toast into bacon if I > said anything about it and I don't like bacon. And Dan Rather is > sitting on the blue elephant and eating taco chips and Phyllis Schlafly > who isn't Just Saying No to anything at all today. And the beef in > oyster sauce is dancing a merry tango with the clay statue of Thomas > Jefferson. And there are two hundred and sixteen green glass marbles, > too. > > But where are the skunks? I invited the skunks specially! This party > is for them! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know what happened to the skunks. They felt neglected that you missed } their birthday. Your invitation was lost in the mail. So they went to } a bar and got trashed. On the way home they were mugged, raped, and } ticketed for illegal parking. When they woke up, they were in someone's } house and they couldn't find the way home. Now they are lost and they } need help. If I told you where the are, everyone's karma would be } changed, which is bad. } } You owe the oracle a donation to the lost animals fund. --- 100-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Sometimes you give me answers that are serious and to the point. > Sometimes you give me answers that are sensitive and caring. > Sometimes you give me answers that are very funny and they make my > mood so much better. And then I get answers that are pathetic. > > Why is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It depends a lot on cosmic rays } And how I feel on different days } And how much shit I've had to eat, } And karma foul from too much meat, } And whether I know that Lisa cares } And if I've still got my despairs, } And if life's nerdly or life's fun, } And if I find a clever pun. --- 100-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much acid should I drop tomorrow? What kind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No more than 1 liter of Hydrochloric or 500 ml of Sulfuric. Put } something on the floor first, and clean up the glass shards when you're } done. --- 100-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can one ever be said to be an essential extension of one's own > ontological existence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This depends entirely on how much, and what, you have been } drinking at the party before philisophical discussions finally arise. } } If multiple cocktails have been imbibed, making such utterences } would be profound foolishness! However after a single beer (if such is } adequate to arouse deep speculation in the petitioner or his peers) then } saying one is an essential extension of one's own ontological existence } becomes a more practical challenge. --- 100-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you know when you are really successful? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are really successful when: } } 1. Your ears fall off } 2. The moon turns blue } 3. The horses cough } 4. The ducks all moo. } 5. You know troff } 6. You can't canoe } 7. You're made of cloth. } 8. You hat's a shoe. } 9. You wax your wroth. } 10. You wane it, too. } 11. You are a sloth. } 12. You are a shrew. } 13. You catch a moth. } 14. You catch a gnu. } } Those are the best signs. --- 100-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, I come to you with a question. Whenever it is > midnight and the owls hoot at the rising moon, a strange feverish > sensation overcomes me and I rush forth into the wilderness. There I go > and find a wild terminal growing on some oak tree, and hack until > morning. I go home exhausted but happy. My question is this: where > can I find other people to enjoy this blythe sport? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For a compilation of real dreams, all writ down in the morning and } stuff, write } } NightMind } c/o rev etc } box 02024 } columbus, oh 43202 } } Send your dreams for a complete postal psycho analysis. We commit } mail Freud. } } You owe the oracle an all expenses paid vacation tour of the id. --- 100-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pourquoi quand je tappe ici, mes mots sont en francais, et en mauvais > francais sur tout? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Parce que tu es infecte par un betisme ... Sacre bleu! Tu m'infecte } avec le betisme! Espece de cochon! Il faut que tu n'utilise pas le net } quand tu es infecte par un betisme! } } Tu me doit une _Petite Larousse_.